Lessons

I thought that after a little time since finding out about this whole pregnancy thing, I would be a little more used to it. You know, able to accept that in a few short months, I would be popping out a screaming, shitting little monster and then nurturing and raising it for the next 18 years, but it really hasn’t sunken in yet. But I have definitely recognized its presence in my life. Behold:

 

Things I have experienced and/or learned since becoming pregnant:

 

1. Spontaneous vomiting is a real thing. You don’t know when or where it might occur but it does. And there you are trying desperately not to puke on your boss. (And not necessarily because you haven’t ever wanted to puke on your boss, but because actually doing these things could be considered rude and/or give away the fact that you are growing a kid.)

 

2. No amount of cheeseburgers is ever sufficient. Ever.

 

3. I sometimes hate my beloved because:

                a) His penis is the reason I am in this mess in the first place.

                b) I have suddenly realized that men fart a lot. And they smell. Which can bring about spontaneous vomiting as mentioned above.

                c) He eats sour cream or A1 sauce on everything. That is just nasty.

                d) He doesn’t understand that, even though I have not touched the ice cream in the freezer, I may someday want to eat it and that it is OFF LIMITS to him unless, he too, is growing something alien in his uterus.

 

4. To save time, I have learned to vomit IN the shower, to avoid being late to work. My genius amazes even me.

 

5. The size of my boobs will soon exceed the size of my head.

 

If nothing else, I am finding that this whole thing has become quite a learning experience. Although, like Algebra, I am not sure this knowledge will be useful for anything in the future.

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