Notes on Week 38

Okay, internet, if you have been following along, you know that I am not a giant fan of pregnancy. And you might also remember that my first one was full of fun and craziness. You know, with losing my job, fighting with Medicaid to even get prenatal care and then just feeling generally miserable for THE WHOLE EFFING THING. I have been lucky this time. Baby O hasn’t given me nearly the amount of physical agony that Baby L presented me with during my pregnancy. You know, until NOW.


Now I am not sleeping because, between trying to maneuver this giant belly and keeping Baby L from actually sleeping ON MY FACE, I have barely enough time for that sort of shenanigans. Sleep is for the weak, they say. They do say that, right? Anyway, if this is true, then I hereby declare myself, The Incredible Hulk of Insomnia. I do not turn green, though.

Except, wait. Yes, I do. Yesterday, I was taking out the trash and something smelled really awful and I turned green, and hurried and puked in the bathtub. Yep. 38 weeks and still puking. I guess there just wasn’t enough of that in the beginning of this whole thing for it to be over.

Then I took 45 minutes to effortlessly (read: with great effort and discomfort) ease on my maternity pants and haul my giant ass to my 38 week check up. Where I was told that nothing had changed. I am still pregnant and will remain that way until the time should come wherein…I am no longer pregnant. The good news is that my doctor praised me about my weight gain (only 17 pounds, which feels more like 850), which, you know, made me hungry.  And when I realize that I am hungry, I usually do so because MY CHEST IS ON FIRE.

The heartburn has returned. And with a vengeance. I am not a fan. I am not a fan at all. I can’t even drink WATER without wanting to kill myself. Water = sandpaper. Bread = fire. Hot sauce? Well, hot sauce is expectedly hot. But since I love it and it has the same effect as ANYTHING ELSE EVER, I eat it. Have I mentioned to you, internet, how before I was pregnant, I got heartburn like ONCE PER YEAR and now I have it 36 times per day? No? Oh. Well, yeah. That’s what is happening in my esophagus. You’re welcome for the enlightenment.

Baby O is officially kicking me in the ribs. This is the kind of discomfort that one can never describe to someone who has not experienced it. I never had this experience with Baby L and, up until two days ago, had not had any trouble with Baby O. But now, he loves my rib cage. LOVES. That’s all I am going to say about this. Because it is so annoying that I feel like if I talk about it too much, it will happen again and I will either cry or punch something. Or both.

I am WAY too emotional. I have cried three times today and two of the three times were about nothing. I mean, probably not nothing exactly. But definitely stupid things. Like, that I didn’t have any more bottled water in the refrigerator and all that was cold was Dr. Pepper which, (if you can IMAGINE) gives me super bad heartburn. Then I decided, since my mom had my kid for the day, and my husband was out doing man things (or getting a massage. Yes. Seriously.) I would finish watching “Sophie’s Choice” (because I have this fascination about WW2 and the Holocaust and things of that nature, because I am a total dork and that stuff is interesting) and then I watched Meryl Streep have to CHOOSE between her CHILDREN. And then I had a breakdown and felt the need to punch a German soldier. Luckily for them, there aren’t many German soldiers around my neighborhood. And MB wasn’t home. (Sidenote: I did have a flash of the diploma that hangs on the wall in the house of the old man that I take care of sometimes that states that his middle name is Adolf. But I didn’t punch him either. Come on, that would be mean.) I am tired of crying for no reason. And I am tired of wanting to punch imaginary Nazis. (I mean, I would probably want to do that anyway, but I am WAY too serious about it today.)

(Another sidenote: Is there some reason that “Beaches” is ALWAYS on? I mean, I loved this movie when I was a kid (which may also be weird, but my best friend loved it too…) and I have a really hard time NOT watching it when it is on but how many times can a pregnant lady watch “Beaches” without sticking her head in the oven? Honestly.)

Also? The PEEING. I cannot stop peeing! That is all.

My point, internet? I am SO READY to feel like a normal person again. But I am SO NOT READY to have a baby. I just need a pause button. And that pause button should not only pause the progress of this pregnancy when pushed, but sort of make the pregnancy nonexistent so I can have beer. You know, until I push play again. I swear, I would push play again, you guys, I just need a break. Then I would need a bring me beer button. Because that would come in handy forever.



Broken Condoms…Reloaded (Alternately Titled “Holy Shitballs” Which Seems to be the Common Response)

Seriously, I know the title sounds a little gross. And I also know that I might get some serious weirdos starting to hang around…but I will have to deal with it. Because I am too tired to think of a clever title that fits this post. Because, internet, I’m knocked up again.

And yes. You read that right. I, Broken Condoms lady, reluctant mommy blogger, is knocked up AGAIN. And before you all start dropping like flies with the sheer shock of it all, let me go ahead and clear everything up for you. Please feel free to let me know if I leave anything out…

1. Yes. I was taking birth control pills. And yes, we were also using condoms on the rare occasion that I actually let my husband touch me. Because pregnancy was enough to scare me into wearing a titanium suit around him if I had to. None of this worked, evidently. Hence this post. (Grrr…)

2. How do I feel about this whole mess, you ask? Well, internet, I feel a lot of things. I’ve been keeping this under wraps for awhile so a lot of that emotional shit, I have since come to terms with, but let me try and run you through what I have experienced thus far. First there was denial. I think that when your first child is 5.5 months old and you find out that you are, indeed, expecting again, the first thing that happens in your brain (especially if you have been taking any and every means of preventing this from happening) is that you decide that it can’t be true. It has to be some cruel joke that the Universe is playing on you. Wait, is it April Fools’ Day? You got me, Universe, you really, really got me. But then you start to vomit and you think, “Hey, I must have a stomach bug.” Seriously. I convinced myself for 4 days that the positive home pregnancy test was the Universe playing a joke and that the morning sickness was actually just a stomach bug. After I puked a few more times, though, I just started to have a little breakdown. I kept thinking about all the things I was about to have to do (AGAIN) that drove me so crazy the first time. You know, like the not sleeping (which I am, obviously, currently not doing anyway) and the back pain and the intense need for double cheeseburgers from McDonalds. And then I cried a lot. Daily. For a LONG TIME. I considered options. And I discussed everything with MB (who, by the way, was in support of whatever I decided even though he felt that we, as a couple, are strong enough to do this shit all over again. Curses.) I stared at my daughter for hours and contemplated the birth of our second child and what it would mean for us and our family. I reasoned with myself about eventually wanting to have another child in the next couple of years anyway and how having this baby would make me…well…DONE with childbearing. And that thought gave me solace. But then I cried some more. Because, holy crap, internet, the kids will only be a year apart! And how will I chase a child who will inevitably be starting to walk and carry a newborn around and not sleep all while MB is at work all day?! How will I manage?! But then I stared at my daughter some more. And I thought about how hopeless I felt when I found out I was pregnant with her. And how doubtful of my abilities I was before she was born. And I felt a little bit better. Because dammit, I am a fantastic mom. Am I necessarily ready to be the “mother of two”? No. But was I ready to be a “mother of one”? Hells no.

The acceptance part started after I had to go to the Health Center and get a proof of pregnancy again so I could start the medicaid process (because, though, MB and I are now married, my insurance did not start until January 1st) AGAIN. (Which, if you remember, was pretty much the worst thing EVER for me.) A week later, the crying had stopped, for the most part, and shockingly, the Health Department had my Medicaid set up before I showed up for my appointment. (I didn’t have to make a SINGLE PHONE CALL.) I saw that as a good omen. And then I was all set to hear the heartbeat of the baby (as it was estimated that I was about 14 weeks along at this point) and the PA couldn’t find it on the Doppler. And this might sound crazy. Or horrible. Or whatever…but I was actually relieved. I felt like this might be my “out”. She set me up with an Ultrasound (which was more than three weeks away) and sent me on my way. To panic some more. Needless to say, I started the processes all over again, thinking that it might just be a fluke. Hello, denial.

My ultrasound was yesterday afternoon. I told my sister-in-law in the morning what the situation was and she offered to come with me to the appointment in case MB couldn’t get home from work in time. MB made it home at the speed of light and the three of us trekked downtown and, just like that, I’m gonna have a little boy. Due June 6th, 2013.

3. So, yeah, I know I didn’t answer “how do you feel NOW?” in that monster paragraph up there. The truth is. I feel peaceful. Obviously, fat. And sleepy. And a little scared. But also a little relieved that this whole thing is already almost half-way over and no one could tell I was pregnant (SCORE!). I haven’t gained any weight. I haven’t been nearly as sick as last time. Things have been fairly uneventful. So, do I feel good about the whole thing? Ehhh…I don’t know if GOOD is the right adjective. But I feel okay. I am alive, I am healthy. My baby is healthy. And I still have a wonderful partner and a beautiful daughter to remind me that this is not the end of the world. (Because, in some intense moments, I feel like I could lose it.)

4. I haven’t told EVERYONE in the world yet. By that, I just mean that I haven’t announced the news on Facebook. And I probably won’t do a giant, “We’re pregnant!!!” post. Because the people who matter have either already been told or will be soon enough. I don’t need to tell 200 more of my closest friends. Also, I am still sorting out the fact that I feel sort of ashamed that I let this happen so soon after having Baby L. Yes, I know I did all I could to prevent it, internet. But it feels so…irresponsible. Seriously. I mean, come ON, internet. Who DOES this?

(As I type this, THIS is what is happening on my TV. How can I not be optimistic?!)

Anyway, so that’s what’s going on over here. And maybe why I have been sort of distant lately. Please don’t break up with me, internet. I can’t do this alone!

Better Late Than Never

Today, at nearly 30 weeks, I had the anatomy scan which should have (and would have, if the system hadn’t tried to kill my baby) been done about 9-10 weeks ago. This being able to go to see doctors thing is pretty rad, I must say. Everything looks good so far, but of course, Baby L is stubborn and, just like last time, wouldn’t roll over so we could get a decent look at her face. The tech did manage to get a few decent shots, though, and I will go back in four weeks for another scan, just to check up. It feels good just to know I haven’t been abandoned.

20120307-135011.jpgThe last three months have really worn me down (and OUT). I think that this has been the most trying period of my life. I have stayed awake at night, my mind racing about what I would do if I never got some assistance. How I would pay. Where I would go. I have forgotten how to relate to people at times. I have been so consumed with worry that nothing has mattered. And the attempts at easing my mind by MB have been appreciated but have mostly failed. I had forgotten how to breathe. How to sleep. How to interact. Since my appointment last Thursday, I have gotten some of my normalcy back. I have laughed outloud. I have remembered to breathe. And mostly, I can sleep again. I can actually rest without the panic that loomed over me for so long. And I am telling you, all of that pent-up panic sure does wear a person out, I could likely sleep until the end of this pregnancy at this point. (Relief is the new Ambien, people.)

I still worry about unemployment. And I still harbor a good bit of anger about being fired after announcing my pregnancy and knowing what kind of morons and wastes of space are still employed there (but aren’t pregnant, so they get to stay) but I am working through that. And am certain that the parties involved will get what they deserve for what they did to me and my unborn baby. I try not to harp on the absolute absurdity of the whole thing and I try not to harbor any animosity and am certain that karma is a bitch, but, it is hard to take the high road when your child (whom you haven’t even met yet) could suffer from the insensitive and discriminatory actions of another person/entity. Just saying. I still worry things won’t work out. But I am faithful. And I am sure that they’ll get theirs. And I love being witness to karmic bitchslaps.


I had a full day yesterday of hysterical crying, yelling, and pleading with people at the Medicaid office and the County Health Department. I believe that I showed the state of Florida that pregnancy mood swings strongly resemble that of bipolar disorder. True story.

But, after everything (and I can’t even go into all the craziness that I had to endure yesterday), the guy I had spoken to before at the County Health Department came through. I showed up for my 8:15 appointment this morning, checked in and sat down. Just like a patient. At, like, a doctor’s office.  You know, like…where they see patients who are SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT! Shirley, the mean lady with the bad weave (I will refer to her as Bad Weave Shirley from now on), was nowhere to be seen or heard upon my check-in, which made the experience much more pleasant right at the start. Yes, I had to wait in an office for a long time. And yes, I had to pee in a cup  AGAIN (because it is not at all obvious to them that I am knocked up). And yes, they stuck me with needles but…OH. MY. GOD. Internet, this was the best doctor’s appointment I have ever had.

Some highlights:

1. I have gained one pound since my last visit there on 1/31 (the day of the proof of pregnancy). I thought it would be quite a bit more. This puts my total weight gain at 23 lbs. And no one has told me if that is normal or not. But I don’t give a damn. I feel fantastic about it.

2. Baby L’s heartbeat is perfect.  And hearing this news made me tear up. And this time, not because I wanted to drive my car straight into the ocean. You know, like that first time.

3. I have an appointment for an anatomy sonogram next Wednesday. I am super excited for this appointment, even though it is just a regular sonogram and not one of the 4D ones this time. But I hope to be having a 4D within the next month. (Eeee!)

4. I have a follow-up appointment in two weeks. Can you believe I am actually going to see a medical professional TWICE in TWO WEEKS!? I can hardly contain myself. I seriously feel like I could cry every time I think about it.

5. Currently, my Emergency Medicaid is covering everything and will for the next 45 days. By the time that is gone, I should have ACTUAL Medicaid and the nightmare should be mostly over. Then I get ready to pop this chicklet out!

6. I can deliver at the hospital I had picked back in the good old days when I had insurance! I don’t have to go to a scary hospital that I don’t trust! Hooray!

7. I had a glucose test. Ick. I don’t know the results yet but should by Monday!

I had a good day, internet. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I wish I could just squeeze Baby L for doing such a good job of…you know…like…growing and stuff. 

Now, if you will excuse me, I’ve just had a ginormous breakfast and believe that I need a ginormous nap to match!

Two Steps Back

This morning, I was scheduled to see a doctor (for the first time in nearly four months) at the county health center. This appointment was my initial appointment for my prenatal care (which, if you are keeping track, I already did when I had insurance and, if I hadn’t already done it, should have taken place about six months ago). If you follow here at all, then you know that I have been struggling with the state to start recieving Medicaid now for a few days shy of three months and have yet to have received anything. After being denied Medicaid on my first try (because of some ridiculous paperwork issue that I was assured would NOT be an issue), I was instructed to walk in to the County Health Center and get a proof of pregnancy. I did that the same day. I was also told that I would be able to receive Medicaid for 45 days, as a temporary supplement until my application was processed and all was well. Well? No such luck. I sat at the Health Center and waited for nearly four hours with a six month preggo belly for a nurse to “confirm” my pregnancy (which, I might add, at this point, can be confirmed by anyone with EYES). I got a piece of paper stating that I am, indeed, knocked up, and I left. I faxed this “proof” to the medicaid office and I waited. I finally, last week, was able to have a “phone interview” with the Medicaid office which consists of a really rude woman repeating all of the information that you indicated on your application and then practically hanging up on you. It is totally fun.

In the 2.5 weeks between the time when I received the proof of pregnancy and had the phone interview, I tirelessly contacted every agency that could possibly have anything to do with my case and was given the runaround about 36 more times. I went back to the health center. I faxed more information from here to there and there to here and finally, the health center, after receiving an order from a higher-up I had accidently gotten in touch with. (I say “accidently” because if these people were competent at all, they would not have transferred my call to him and then probably wouldn’t have had to deal with me for quite as long. Their bad.) The mean lady with the bad weave scheduled my appointment reluctantly, and said that she would make sure that all of the information I had given her would be forwarded to the appropriate place so that I could get this fabled 45 temporary Medicaid. (Which, I had discovered by this time, is something that no one likes to discuss. I think that it has the same first rule as “Fight Club” and they are afraid for their teeth, but…this is not helpful.) Evidently, nothing was ever forwarded anywhere and I have not been given this 45 day whateverthefuck. So, I think to myself, “At least I have an appointment scheduled. And by that time, my medicaid should be situated anyway, so I should be fine.” But I was still sort of under the impression that my situation was understood and that I didn’t need to have everything all set in stone in order to have this appointment.

Fast forward to this morning, the day of my appointment. I was scheduled to be seen at 8:15. I got a call at 7:55 from the mean lady with the bad weave stating that there were no nurses available today and that the doctor had been “injured” and that my appointment had been rescheduled to Thursday. And I say, “Okay. That’s fine.” I mean, what can I do? I am at their mercy. And it isn’t like it will get in the way of my grueling work schedule, so it will do. So, I am disappointed, but I am still glad to have the appointment and, nothing will get me down. You know, short of going into labor. Or the zombie apocolypse. Or, god forbid, BOTH.

Three hours later, mean, bad weave lady called again. She said that she has to cancel my appointment altogether because my medicaid has not get “gone through”. I finally convinced her to keep my appointment on the books because the Medicaid office has all the information that they had requested and my application should be processed by then (fat chance of that) and she reluctantly agreed, but she did tell me that if all is not sorted by my appointment on Thursday, I will be responsible for paying for the entire visit. $600. 

To that, I say, “No problem, mean bad weave lady! I have only been unemployed for three months and am seven months pregnant. I can totally spare $600! Especially since I have only been begging YOU specifically to explain this process and offer your expertise on this issue for the last month and you have been so unbelievably…bitchy and unsympathetic and did not inform me that this might happen when you scheduled the appointment when I was standing in front of you pouring my soul out. I would LOVE to shell out that kind of money. In fact, I don’t need this baby either. Are you in the market for a white baby girl? She won’t have any hair yet but I am sure you can make her look as ridiculous as you and give her a nice, hideous weave as soon as she starts growing some. And you know, meanness can be taught.”

Translation: Ummm…okay?

So, here I am. Seven months in and making little to no progress. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to resume phone stalking the medicaid office. 

On Progress

This morning I had my second (and hopefully final) phone interview for my second (and hopefully final) application for Medicaid. I have to say, it went so much better than the first one. My first experience with a live person at the Medicaid office left a very sour taste in my mouth. I spoke with a seemingly very bitter, very impatient woman who clearly had no compassion or people skills. This time, the lady was calm, helpful and wished me a good pregnancy (what’s left of it) and a good day. This may not seem like much to you, internet, but then, you may not have to deal with the Medicaid office. Trust me. Being wished a good day is almost as good as her handing me a wad of cash at this point.

I feel good. I feel like she explained to me EXACTLY (and not in a roundabout way) what I need to submit to them. (And I plan to submit it daily for the next ten days and then phone stalk and/or in-person stalk them for that same length of time.) I have all the information they need and I am pretty sure that there is little to no room for error at this point. (I am aware, however, of who I am dealing with and have not let out that sigh of relief just yet.)

I have an appointment with the county health department on Monday morning. This resulted when I spent over a week trying to get proof of my pregnancy correctly sent to the Medicaid office by the Health Department and was told by a gentleman from the department itself that his employees at the Health Center were incompetent and that I should not leave that office until the information has been sent directly to him and I have been given an appointment to see a doctor. This worked, but I had to wait two weeks and now really have no idea what kind of an appointment this even is. I know it will last two hours and that I’d better not be late. Or else, says the incompetent lady with the bad weave.

Either way, things APPEAR to be going in the right direction. And I am still optimistic. And I haven’t murdered or mamed anyone yet! Hooray! If you think about it, ladies and gents, send some good juju or prayers (or whatever good vibes you believe in) this way. I gotta get this thing going! My little bean is already a black belt in karate!

Registry Smegistry…

So, even though there is still a fair amount of frustration surrounding this Medicaid issue and the time it takes those morons to process anything or return a phone call or…you know…ANYTHING, I have been trying to focus on the positive aspects of “the home stretch” as it has been called. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I am nesting just yet, but I am definitely daydreaming about the day to come when I accidently drop a napkin on the floor at a restaurant and can effortlessly bend to retrieve it. Its the simple things, internet, that keep me truckin’ along. The main thing that I am trying to manage is my baby registry. With my shower being exactly a month from tomorrow, I am starting to feel ill-prepared and a little panicky about what I will need that I may not have thought of. (Some of this panic has also stemmed from a text message from my lovely, fellow preggo, Jess which read, “You don’t have enough stuff on your registry!!!”

My question to you, internet mommies and mommies-to-be?

What one item could you not live without? What is the best invention ever?


The Whole Debacle

Well, ladies and gents, I have news.

I am pregnant! I know this comes as a shock to all of you, but I thought that you guys should be the first to know.

Okay, okay. So the Medicaid thing? Total crap. As it turns out, what I did not send sufficient evidence of was…you know…everything. I was told by the heinous bitch that I first spoke to at the Medicaid office, that I would need to submit proof of pregnancy. (I thought about sending the pee-soaked test, but then thought better of it.) I obtained actual copies of my records from the OB/GYN and sent them via fax (about 47 times) to the medicaid office. Where they were received and then promptly ignored for 22 days until I made my 17th call to the office and finally reached, you guessed it, A HUMAN BEING. This phone call also proved to be less than fruitful and I was told that my case worker (what? I have a case worker?!) would call me back and discuss my case since absolutely NO ACTION had been taken…Like…AT ALL.

Days pass. I get antsy. I check the website 432 times until one fateful day, it reads “Medicaid – Denied”.


You guys know about this and have given me a ton of very useful advice.

After another many, many painful phone calls and hold-times with the Medicaid office, I was able to talk to someone who was not a heinous bitch but who was almost as helpful as a log, and who told me that the reason for the denial was due to several reasons.

1. MB was added to the application (at the direction and BY the heinous bitch who did my original phone interview) and should not have been.

2. The ENTIRE MEDICAL RECORD that I sent to the office was not sufficient proof that I am pregnant.

Okay. Fine. What do I have to do now, you ask?

I have to go to a health center, where they will not let me make an appointment, and I have to sit there for 3.5 hours only to pee in a cup (AGAIN), be asked several times why I am there and if I know for sure I am pregnant and how I know for sure (HELLO, SIX MONTH BELLY!) and then speak with a nurse for 4 minutes. (And mostly, not about my pregnancy but my previous job. From which I was FIRED. Because I am pregnant. And now very obviously so. But I digress.) The nurse signed a slip of paper stating that I am indeed pregnant and directed me to send it to the Medicaid office.

And yes. The whole system is a total joke. But steps have been taken and hopefully within the next two weeks, I can see an actual doctor and make sure that this little bean is healthy! Holy Jeebus, this is ridiculous. But I am not giving up, guys and gals. Imma have this baby, all proper-like.