Get Ready, Ladies!

So, to make up for my utter and complete absence from the blogosphere, (because, lets face it, you guys missed me, amirite?), I am teaming up with an awesome lady for a new (and totally AMAZING) giveaway for the ladies! (Are you guys SO excited? I totally AM. And I can’t win. SO LAME.) Stay glued to the blog and to my FB page for details! Coming SUPER soon!


Not Enough Coffee in the World (And Your Chance to Win RAD SWAG!)

I don’t know if you guys are keeping track, but in exactly ONE WEEK, L is turning TWO FREAKING YEARS OLD. Two. I can’t even believe that I am going to have a two-year-old. And then three weeks later, Baby O will be turning ONE. And then I will have a nervous breakdown. I honestly do not know where the time has gone with these two. I went from not wanting kids, and then getting pregnant (on accident) and having a baby girl and falling so in love that I felt my heart might explode, to getting pregnant 35 seconds after she was born (on accident) and then having my little dude, to now having TWO TODDLERS! What in the holy hell is going on?

The amount of noise in my house at any given time is sort of insane. I mean, there is no escape. Someone is constantly yelling around here. Most of the time, it isn’t even angry yelling. Just yelling and screeching and all of those cute baby noises. You know, like amplified by a million because my son has some sort of complex about no one hearing him. He is trying to make sure that everyone can hear him over L’s tantrums. Because we have had some pretty epic tantrums lately. I am amazed that I haven’t broken down and invested in earplugs. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

L’s birthday party is next Saturday. We decided to just do a little party at a playground because O’s party is about a month from now and I don’t know how I could stand to plan two giant parties at the same time. And we have a pretty big family and circle of friends, so I really just can’t handle all of that. I would have just had one giant party but I didn’t think that would be fair to O, since L got her big first birthday party with the smash cake and everyone celebrating just HER. (She did not smash that cake. I had to buy her a cupcake to smash on her actual birthday. Which may not have been the spectacle I had envisioned because no one was there to see it, but I loved every second of it. And so did she!) So, it is going to be a busy month. I am excited for everyone to come and play with us though. I love parties. LOVE. And guess what! I WON’T BE PREGNANT! SO THERE WILL BE COCKTAILS!

(I heart cocktails.)

L’s potty training is not so much happening. I have been trying with her but she seems more interested in sticking her head in her potty than sitting on it. I don’t understand this. But it is probably better to wait for right now anyway because she is on antibiotics for the second ear infection in two months and it is making her little tummy a battleground. I would rather not have her running around without a diaper at this point in time. (Read: I don’t own a dog because I don’t like poop on my floor.)

O is finally doing some crawling. He is not as lazy as L was when she was this age. He has WAY more desire to get around than she did and I wouldn’t be surprised if, like her, he decided to skip REAL crawling altogether and just start darting across the house. I have a bunch of friends who had babies around the same time as O was born and their babies are crawling and cruising and all sorts of stuff. One is even walking. If I didn’t know how L was at this age, I might be a little worried. But I’m not concerned. He actually CAN cruise a little bit and does whenever he is given the chance. So, there’s that.

As usual, I am exhausted. I feel like my head sort of lives on a cloud somewhere because forming a complete sentence, especially before a cup of coffee or after 7pm has become nearly impossible. But…people tell me that this will get easier. And I am choosing to believe that. And if it doesn’t, everyone who has ever lied to me about it will be getting a throat punch. That is all.

One of my children is currently covered in something that looks like chocolate and the other one is rolling from one end of the living room to the other. So, I guess I should just wrap this up and go ahead and remind you that you have one week to enter the Giveaway over at my FB page! All you have to do is be a resident of the US, “like” my FB page, and then click the Giveaway tab to enter! I won’t give away what the “rad swag” is, but I WILL tell you that a $10 Starbucks gift card is up for grabs and who doesn’t want free Starbucks goodness? (I could use some RIGHT NOW, in fact.) So, go and enter! Thanks and GOOD LUCK!


I’m Finally Doing It! (Alternately Titled: Swaggy McSwaggerson)

So, L is going to be turning 2. Like, super soon. And I have been hinting at a giveaway for awhile. And I have been deciding whether or not I want to give you guys booze or drink it myself. (I have, obviously, opted to drink it myself. Naturally.) But in honor of my L’s SECOND (holy shitballs, you guys!) birthday, I am giving one of you lucky followers a birthday gift! Hooray for you! The contest will start on May 1st and run through midnight on May 19th (L’s birthday) and you have to like the Broken Condoms Blog FB page to enter! I promise, I will not send you broken condoms. I swear to Cheesus.


Good luck! XO!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Good to Know

I just wanted to stop in and say a GIANT THANK YOU to all of you who posted comments on my last post. I haven’t had a chance to respond to most of them but it means a lot to know that I am not the only one who goes through this (or similar stuff). I appreciate you guys! If I could, I would bake you all some brownies. Bacon brownies. Because THAT, my friends, is LOVE.



So, that was pretty painless…

Yesterday was the “Sprinkle” for Baby O. I have to say, I was a little nervous about having another party for, yet another, baby. Because, you know, I didn’t want to seem greedy or like I have no desire to see people unless they are bringing me diapers or whatever. But, after a lot of thought about it, I was convinced that, since I don’t need a crib (already have it!) or a swing (check!) or any of the big stuff that you register for when you have your first baby, a “sprinkle” would be an acceptable kind of party. I didn’t register. And I honestly didn’t really even expect gifts. I just wanted to get some of my favorite people all in one place to see this gigantic belly-saurus-rex (because this is the last fucking time this is happening to me and that is ALL I have to say about that…) before it is all over. And, you know, this time I was a much better sport and I even encouraged beer drinking (not for the other two preggos who attended, though…duh.) because, I have accepted my fate as a non-drinker. Because I haven’t been able to enjoy cocktails, and I mean REALLY enjoy cocktails, in over a year. Because I am always pregnant. Because my husband has super human sperm that are, evidently, resistant to every kind of birth control known to man. Even when all of them are used simultaneously. But I digress…

Anyway, there was beer. And I coveted it. But not like I did last year at my shower. Not at all like that. There were munchies and there was BEAUTIFUL weather and there were good friends and I wasn’t the only one growing a baby. And I was happy. And now I am staring at a stack of boxes of diapers nearly as tall as I am and I am remembering that feeling of, “HOLY SHITBALLS. I’m about to expel a person from my body” Only this time, it is more like, “HOLY SHITBALLS. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!” And it still doesn’t seem real. At least, not most of the time. Until there is a foot in my ribs. Then shit gets REALLY real. My due date is just under two months away. And it is surreal.

On the one hand, I can’t wait to see Baby O’s face and kiss his little toes. And on the other hand, I wish I could just take a month break from being pregnant, enjoy some un-pregnant lady sleep and some adult beverages and then go back to this after I have thoroughly prepared myself for what is about to go down. Because, internet, some serious MOTHERHOOD is about to take place on this here bloggy thang…FOR REALS. The sprinkle just made it seem like the beginning of the end. Which is great, because pregnancy SUCKS a whole lot of ASS but terrifying because if I am not pregnant, that means that there will be another CHILD. One who will only sleep two hours at a time and will spit up on me 74 times per day and make me smell horrible and behave like a mom zombie for the next several months. One who will care less than Baby L does about how exhausted I am or how long it has been since I have had a shower. (Not a baby shower, though, because I have those at least weekly, it seems…)

All in all, though, I am really glad we had the party. Mostly because, even though I am acutely aware that this baby is surely happening, moreso now than before the party, I got to spend some time with some really great people. And, you know, they brought diapers and didn’t at all seem to think I was a greedy bitch for having another party. (Thanks, guys. You really do rock my face off…)

Land of the Pressed and Devil Tots

English: These are what tater tots look like.

Devil Tots: Delicious, but potentially deadly.

Many of you might have seen that I was (finally) Freshly Pressed last Saturday! I have to say, I was pretty sure that the Land of the Pressed was somewhere far, far away and somewhere that I would likely never be invited to, but then, there it was in my email! “Congratulations!” And then I peed my pants. (I don’t remember if I ACTUALLY peed my pants, but I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and never really redeveloped any pelvic floor muscles after Baby L so it is safe to assume that I probably did.) Anyway, it was super exciting and WOW! What a ride.

I want to first thank all of the newbies who stopped by and/or started following! I have to apologize in advance for my foul language, probable impropriety, and, last but not least, my tendency to talk about my bodily functions with way too much detail (please see pelvic floor muscle comment above). Chances are, you may have already witnessed some of this, if you looked around a bit, and maybe aren’t offended or scared off, but if this is the first you’ve heard of it, don’t say I didn’t warn you guys. I’m most likely gonna tell y’all ALL about the state of my vagina on more than one occasion.

Moving on…

So, to celebrate/commemorate my invitation into The Land of the Pressed, I got the stomach bug from hell and dropped my iPhone into the toilet while simultaneously vomiting. Because, you know, if you’re gonna do something, you gotta really DO it. I’m not going to get into all the nasty I endured during this time (you’re welcome), but I will tell you that OH. MY. GOD, internet, I have never been so sick in my entire life. I may or may not have vomited into Baby L’s toy drum (a bath toy) because I have (evidently) lost my ability to vomit WITHOUT SIMULTANEOUSLY PEEING. (See pelvic floor comment above. Again, don’t say I didn’t warn you.) Because I have had four (FOUR!) of these “stomach bugs” since I became pregnant with Baby O, I am starting to suspect that this is his way of telling me that he hates tater tots. I know, that sounds weird. But literally, EVERY time I have gotten violently ill like this in the last several months, tater tots were involved. They will be called “Devil Tots” from here on out. So, I have, between trying to be a mom and a pregnant lady and trying to recover from this horrible illness (“Devil Tot Syndrome”), I have been out of commission. I haven’t responded to all of your lovely comments or had time to give them all of the attention that they deserve. So, I’m sorry. And I’m on it.

Bear with me, newbies, and don’t think I don’t appreciate you. I’ve just been busy trying not to pee on myself.


2012 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 11,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 18 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.