Almost Time (Breaking the News Part Deux)

I am starting to realize that, the more time that goes by, the closer it is getting to the time when I will actually have to start telling people about this whole baby thing. I am not really showing yet, at least not to other people. I can tell that my belly no longer likes to be contained in my favorite jeans and that there is a little less room in my drawstring pants which once required constant attention so that I was not walking around nude from the waist down. But other than that, things, to the naked eye, are just as they have been. But I know that this stage will not last forever. I know that soon I will be sporting that “baby bump” that I dread so much. I still haven’t told the majority of my family, and not because they will react terribly or anything like that, but because I really try and find some creative, yet suitable (or totally inappropriate) way to break any news. (Once, when I decided to move across the country, I told my mom that I had a brain tumor and had three months to live, you know, that way when she found out I was just moving, she would be relieved and not kill me. Although, she may have wanted to kill me more after that…whatever.) 


I don’t really have the energy to make some big, elaborate announcement complete with confetti and all that jazz. I kind of just want to send an email to all of the family that says, “I’m knocked up. Send presents. Do not touch my belly. I will cut you. Good day.” And while that might do the trick for the family (some of whom live on different continents), I am not sure that I can be that nonchalant about it with these bitches in my office. You see, I work with 23 women and no men. NO MEN. And yes, it is pure hell. Especially for someone like me, who prefers the company of people who compliment the beer-pong playing, shot-taking, frat boy in me. Because it is less work to be a frat boy. You don’t have to think, much less emote. At all. (Hanging out with dudes is like an emotional vacation after being in my office for 40 hours per week.) I am worried that, with these office people, (with whom I never share an ounce of information about my personal life) I will not be able to properly convey (without physical violence) that I am not kidding about the fawning and oohing and awwwing and belly touching. It will not happen or they will die. DIE.


I think I decided that the best way to break the news is to tell the family first (probably on Thanksgiving) some in person, some via whatever other method I can tolerate said family member best, and then posting something on Facebook. My dilemma is, I don’t want nine million replies to the post asking questions. I also am not sure how to be witty and still be clear that I am hormonal and am perfectly capable of ripping throats out.
Why can’t everyone just read my mind already? Sheesh. What a bunch of inconsiderate bastards. This is too stressful!


5 thoughts on “Almost Time (Breaking the News Part Deux)

  1. Maybe you could post links of your blog posts to your Facebook page and other social media? That might give them a hint. I won’t guarantee anything though; “might” being the operative word! :p
    Wish you all the luck!

  2. Why do you have to tell people at work at all? You could just tell the necessary people (i.e. your boss, HR) and ask them to not spread the world, and that you’d like to keep it quiet and drama free if it all possible.

    • Well, nothing in my office is drama free. I don’t know if you caught the 23 women thing? You’re right, I could decide not to tell people and then just tell them in three months that I was playing a game of HORSE and swallowed a basketball but that’s not so realistic. I would rather tell people myself than have all these caddy bitches just talking about it behind my back. Just looking for the path that leads to the least possible oohing and belly-touching. Women are terribly inappropriate to pregnant women. I am not a fan.

  3. i’m not completely anti-oohing and belly-touching like you are, but i’ve heard that over here in germany, random strangers will just come up to you and touch your belly and ask you extremely personal questions (like your birth plan and whether or not you are going to breastfeed) and i’m NOT looking forward to that. i’m fine with friends touching my bump (once i get one, as for now i’m just a bit “fatter”), but randoms? hmm… not excited.

    • Wow! I am really not sure I would make it as a pregnant lady in Germany. I am concerned that my reflex really will be to slap people and, pregnant or not, I probably just shouldn’t hit! J think I will be okay with people touching at some point, like, maybe after I get used to feeling like a house. It all remains to be seen!

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