I have to say, internet, that this week of unemployment has been…well…glorious. It is so nice to feel calm most of the day. I realize now how long it has been since I have felt this way. Calm. It is heavenly.
There are, however, some things that do tend to weigh on my mind these days. I mean, being jobless and free is a beautiful thing, but it also allows a lot of time for thinking. And for worrying. Which, by the way, I am super fantastic and skilled at.
I worry mostly about insurance. Currently, I don’t have any. I have applied for some aid, because as My Beloved and I have discussed, it is sort of unrealistic now to consider finding a job a real option. I am currently 17 weeks along and soon the pregnancy will be painfully obvious (yes, I can still hide it if need be, but not for long) and who is going to hire me at five months pregnant? Then I will have the 90 day probation period, where I will not have insurance and, during that time, the employer will have the option to let me go (and I can’t help but feel that this would be the plan of action because by that time, they would be well aware that I would soon be taking a period of time out of the office or whatever, for maternity leave). So finding a job? Not so much something I want to put myself through. So for now, I await answers from the powers that be to see what I am eligible for. Things are looking good for aid, even though I am pretty proud and never really wanted to have to go this route but, I think it is the best thing for me and the wee one. And being unmarried, in this case, has proven to be SUCH a benefit. (Go team ME!)
I worry, obviously, about money. Even though I have pretty much budgeted the bejesus out of everything and planned for everything short of an alien abduction, I still get a little freaked out thinking that the only income I will have is unemployment. Which, by the way, SUCKS. But, again, the fact that I can stay home and remain mostly stress-free is worth the money I will lose. It honestly is.
The money thing is a big concern, also, because I need to somehow be able to fund my McDouble habit. Which, honestly, has taken a back seat for the time being. But I am not sure how long I can keep the cheeseburger monster at bay. (Note to former employer: Seriously, you should really have thought of how dangerous it is to fire a pregnant lady with a serious cheeseburger problem. This was a grave mistake.)
Mostly, though, I am concerned that I may never sleep again. Why does no one ever tell you, before you get pregnant, that you will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN? Seriously. I was expecting that, once this kid is born, I would be up all night feeding and banging my head against hard stuff, but I thought that this not sleeping thing happened AFTER destroying my vagina. Not DURING gestation. I find myself physically and mentally exhausted by 7pm and passing out and dreaming about fried stuff with cheese and then waking up promptly at 2:45 am, moving back to the couch where I will watch re-runs of bad TV shows from the seventies until I finally get so frustrated that I start the hysterical crying/eating until about five minutes before My Beloved wakes up and comes into the living room. Which is when I will have just fallen asleep. I am not going to even get INTO the painful attempts at sleep while IN my bed. With my giant boyfriend wrapping his tree-legs around me periodically and my giant cat sleeping directly ON MY HEAD. Because I will start crying right now. And it is only lunch time. And my bed time/hysterical crying time is not for another 6-7 hours. I could bear to disrupt the schedule of insanity. It is the only routine I have these days.