I had sort of made up my mind, since the beginning of my pregnancy, that I would give birth on May 4th. Why? I have no idea. Did it happen? Hells no.

Alas, I am still motherfucking pregnant.

My BH contractions started to intensify over the last few days, however, and I was sure that this meant that I was going to go into labor AT ANY MOMENT. And then when I started to actually vomit (AGAIN?! SERIOUSLY?! WHEN DOES THIS END?!), I was SURE that the wait was over and little Baby L was coming. I was positive that I was effaced and dilated and that, like my mother, I must just not be able to feel the contractions yet (she literally had NO IDEA that she was in labor for me until, like, an hour before I was born. We should all be so lucky.) and that I should ready my hospital bag immediately. But then, after the ONE BH contraction which was slightly more uncomfortable than the last, there was nothing. And then there was more nothing. And then, this morning I had an appointment with the doctor, who confirmed that, well, NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

20120507-133913.jpgI can’t say that it is complete nothing. My cervix has thinned a bit, and I am dilating, however, not even ONE CENTIMETER YET…which makes me sort of want to punch someone in the throat. (In fact, I would sort of like to line up some really annoying people and punch them one by one. And then eat a bowl of ice cream. Because…well…I am still, after all, a pregnant lady.) If anyone is interested in putting together a lineup, hit me up, I will send you a list. Some of the people might be SLIGHTLY unattainable (I am sure Phil Collins is busy doing something really obnoxious and will not be available for throat punching), but I will accept look-alikes or any approved equally annoying substitute.

Anyway, that’s where we’re at. Preggo and punchy. Any other way just wouldn’t be right.




9 thoughts on “FAIL.

  1. Oh my gosh! You’re almost there! I’m crossing my fingers she comes before her due date for you! I think of you often and wondering how you’re doing.

    • I know! It is so close and terrifying/frustrating/torturous!!! I cannot freaking WAIT!!! I have been a terrible blogger/blog reader, but I am catching up now! Hopefully, I will have more to report over the next few days!!!!!!!!

  2. When is your due date? Which, as we know, means nothing. I delivered EB at week 41. First babies can take a bit longer.

    Oh, I was about to hit publish and I see the countdown on my right. You have at least 8 days left! Girrl, relax. Have a glass of wine. I heard that helps with…stuff.

    • lol I heard you’re supposed to do it like rabbits before to help out with bringing on labor. I can’t imagine anyone feeling like doing it at 9.5 months pregnant, except the Duggars, the Duggars know how it’s done.

    • I’m still debating the wine thing, but only (and let me stress ONLY) because it gives me terrible heartburn. As does breathing. So, I guess I should just go ahead and do it, I mean, it can’t hurt more than just existing at this point!!! So close!!!

    • I am no Duggar, that’s for sure! (those people are terrifying!!! And I use the term “people” loosely!) and yes, you guys will definitely get the courtesy, “holy shit, you guys! I’m having a baby” post!

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