The One Where I Rant About Maternity Clothes

Oh my GOD, you guys. I am so pregnant all of a sudden and I am not sure how this happened!

I went, about two weeks ago, from wearing all of my pre-pregnancy clothes (from before Baby L), RIGHT back into maternity pants. It, like, happened overnight! As did my cravings for all things chocolate. I am not a fan.

Since I hastily sold all of my maternity tops as soon as that shit was over last time (like, before I was even discharged from the hospital, it was all on eBay, you guys), I had to go shopping for new stupid pregnant lady clothes. And I ventured back into that dreaded “Motherhood Maternity” store where I had spent a small fortune just a freaking year ago and reluctantly dragged my huge pregnant ass right back into the changing room of death and stood under flourescent lights to examine my ever-growing BUMP.


And then I puked all over the sales lady.

Okay, that part isn’t true. But I seriously wanted to do something equally gross to get her to leave me the eff alone, you guys, because I HATE MATERNITY CLOTHES. (Except for maternity pants, because I still feel like women should wear them always…which is why I still have mine. You know, in case I want to eat a lot of food one day.) I hate that they insist that pregnant women should wear HORIZONTAL STRIPES. Why in hell would we want to make ourselves look WIDER?! I am a firm believer in stylish clothing for those with-child but I am also a firm believer in making those same women feel like HUMAN BEINGS. Not giant, striped TRUCKS. Because yes, I feel like I am the size of a truck. And I am 22 weeks pregnant and have only gained 4 pounds. So…you can imagine how I will feel when I get bigger. And bigger. And bigger. And my only clothing options are horizontal striped tunics (read: mumus).

I am not really sure what this post was supposed to be about. I think I might have had something to tell you guys. I guess it will have to wait. I have to find some chocolate.



11 thoughts on “The One Where I Rant About Maternity Clothes

  1. You know, I had barely any real maternity clothes. I wore yoga pants and big empire waist dresses. I probably looked like I was wearing a moo moo half the time. It was the middle of summer and dead hot too by the time I had the baby. I always thought I’d be this totally stylish preggo. Not only did I not have money to have cute maternity clothes, I got toxemia so I ended up all bloated and very… NOT cute and stylish.

    • That is pretty much what I wore too. Possibly, partially because I was so effing miserable the whole time and every time I put on anything remotely cute, I spontaneously puked on it…But I didn’t really buy that much maternity stuff either, because it is crazy effing expensive (which makes sense, you know, because pregnant women don’t have ANYTHING else to worry about spending assloads of money on…) and I didn’t have a job anymore. (Fucktards.) So, yoga pants. Unless I had to go out into the world. I had a few cute tops and a couple of pairs of maternity jeans…but now? STARTING ALL OVER…uggghhh…

  2. Take heart, at least the getting bigger and bigger bit only last a little while. Also be thankful you don’t have a doctor who constantly tells you “you don’t need to gain anything while pregnant,” over and over. “Oh, you’ve gained ten pounds with this pregnancy. You shouldn’t have done that.” Oh and, “it’s easy! Just don’t gain!” Ok. F&*#! you. I was growing a PERSON inside me. Jerk. You know what I say? You enjoy those maternity pants and god damn it. EAT chocolate! It’s your pregnancy! Have a good time. Let all the saleswomen and doctors be damned! We have to start standing up for ourselves. MOTHERS AND PREGNANT LADIES UNITE! (This is my battle cry) EEEEEEYYYYEEEAAAAH!

    • Oh my GOD…your doctor told you NOT to gain ANY weight!? Is it a dude? Because that is the only way that would make ANY sense to me at all. Because dudes have no effing idea what it feels like to crave food like you will just DIE if you don’t have it. And you know, not to mention that you are growing a HUMAN BEING in your BODY and that human being has to weigh something! I want to punch your doctor in the throat. And probably balls. Provided your doctor has balls, which must be the case…
      THANK YOU. I will eat chocolate. And I will revel in the stretchy goodness of my maternity pants. Bwahahahahaha!

    • Haha! Oh, THOSE friends…
      Unfortunately, the fact that I was wearing pre-pregnancy pants doesn’t say TOO much considering that dating MB made me gain a little weight in the first place. And then he knocked me up and before I knew it, I was just buying a size larger than I normally wore anyway…so…if you want to get technical, I am not sure this even counts…But whatever. They weren’t stretchy. And that means something to me. And now, here I am again. I’m the one in the horizontal stripes, stuffing multiple candy bars into my face hole at the same time.

  3. This morning, I posted on Facebook that as I got dressed and put on makeup each and every day now, I can’t escape the phrase “like lipstick on a pig.” Yeah, the second time things GO FASTER AND WORSE. I’ve been at that point now for several weeks where nothing fits. Shirts aren’t long enough. It just doesn’t matter. Maybe the Olde English courts had it right with the whole confinement thing for months on end (down to draped mirrors and boarded-shut windows).

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