I have definitely reached “that point” in pregnancy where it is more annoying and exhausting than anything else. This is the part where you almost totally forget that you are doing a beautiful thing by baking this human being. Because you are so tired, achy, ornery and generally pissed off that it is all you can do not to stab random people while waiting in line at the grocery store, you know, because they are wearing bad shoes or a Billy Ray Cyrus tee shirt. Am I feeling a little illogical? Possibly. Unreasonable? Could be. But I am so CLOSE…yet so far away, people. And I just want to feel normal again. And I just want to sleep. For, like, more than 3 hours. (And yes, I am aware that I am about to have a baby and that this is a total pipe dream. Don’t remind me, okay?)
Up to this point, I have been really proud of myself. Because I have had very few incidents of psychosis. I have felt good. I have smiled, even when I wanted to hide in my bed for two days and eat ice cream. And I haven’t threatened to punch anyone in the throat. (Except at my Sprinkle. And then it was just my best friend’s wife. Because she kept talking about my having twins next time. Insinuating that there would be a “next time” to speak of. So she totally deserved throat punch threats. At least I didn’t actually DO it. But I like her. SO…)
And then the last few days, I have felt like I was drowning. Like, I felt overcome with all of this insane, pregnant lady anxiety and emotion. And I just couldn’t hang. All of that optimism I have been gloating about flew right out the window and I started, not only dreading having two tiny people to chase around and keep alive, but really hating everything about being a stay-at-home-mom. I started feeling lonely. And scared. And irritated at my husband for continuing to get me knocked up and not even being apologetic about it. And then expecting me to handle it with some sort of superhuman ease. (Which I thought I was totally capable of, until now.) I have been tired. And cranky. And close to tears at almost every moment. And I just wanted someone to take my precious Baby L for the day and let me marinate in this idea that I can DO this and I won’t fail. Because I need some assurance. I need some REAL PROOF that I am not going to fall flat on my face. But there isn’t anyone to take that precious baby for the day so I can marinate. There isn’t any “time out” for me at 8 months along. And MB, well, he just doesn’t get it. Because he feels stress too. But he doesn’t understand THIS stress. THIS kind of stress is reserved solely for the mother-to-be. And it is a shitty place to hang out alone. I am back at that place where I don’t want him to get to do ANYTHING that I can’t do. I don’t want him to smoke a cigarette. Or have a beer. Or hang out with his friends. I am jealous of his lack of fetus. Because I am huge and miserable and have two months left before I can have my body back. But even then, internet, things will never be the same. And that’s my fear. And he just doesn’t get it. And that pisses me off. And then I feel awful.
How will I make it through 4am feedings and spitting up and leaky boobs? I mean, I made it through the first time, and no one died. But I JUST DID THIS. And I am quite happy not having to wear giant pads in my bra. And not smelling like baby puke. And being asleep (most of the time) at 4 am. (Even if there is a small child wrapped around my face.) I was growing to like the fact that my little one is rolling around and readying herself to walk. And saying things that sound more like words than crazy baby babble. And now I am starting from scratch. And holy shitballs, how terrifying is that?
I know that this is all probably just some hormonal cliffjump I have just taken. And I am sure the parachute will open soon enough and I will coast through the rest of the way and then I will give birth to this meatloaf and love him and care less and less about breast pads and baby puke. But in the meantime, can I just get a nap? And some ice cream?
11 thoughts on “Emotional Cliff Jumping”
You can do it! It does get easier. And if it’s any consolation, subsequent kids proved easier than the first because the experience level is so much higher!
That IS comforting, but I guess I will be terrified until it is actually happening? And then autopilot will take over and I will be super mom? Hmmm…
Yes, you’ll be terrified. I never believed it, either.
I’m not sure about the super-mom part. I wasn’t issued a cape when I had my kids. I thought they’d given me the leotard until I realized they were just Spanx.
I guess spanx would probably come in more handy. I mean, after all, I am not sure after all this trauma to my body in just over a year, a leotard might be a little frightening anyway. As for the cape…I wonder who I need to write to about that…I’m not sure that without a cape, I will be able to properly MOM THE HELL OUTTA STUFF.
I have a Batman cape you can borrow. It’ll be like Dumbo’s magic feather!
PERFECT! I am SO gonna rock this!
Where do you live?? I will take your baby I am a kid professional I have the license and all. ❤ I have been there and I know the struggle!! You are right that all these stresses will melt when you see that sweet babies face. And I think that it is great that you are finding an outlet for your feelings and frustrations. For sure find a way to get some time alone. Get a prego massage or a pedicure.
It will be ok.
Oh, honey. I can only imagine the stress you’re feeling. Just fyi – it’s a really good sign that you’re feeling it and putting it into words, instead of ignoring it or being unaware. See? You’re already on the right track!
Once the baby is here, I think you’ll see how much you know, thanks to Baby L. Things WILL be easier. You’ve done it before, and you’ve done it recently, so it’s still fresh. That’s not always a good thing, but you have the skill set. And you have a wonderful daughter to show for it!
You can do this. If I was closer I would take you out for ice cream to tell you in person. YOU CAN DO THIS.
But seriously – get your husband to stop knocking you up.
Haha! Thank you! I have some really great days where I feel like this momming thing is so super easy. And then I remember newborns. And then I remember that, this time, I have to deal with that…and then THIS one. Who is MUCH harder than a newborn. And then I feel like screaming. But…I CAN do it. (Hell, do I have a choice?!)
And yeah, that husband…with the super sperm. He is SO FIRED.
Pingback: The Countdown has Begun | Broken Condoms