Why I Need to Baby-Proof My Husband

Childproofing is a bitch.

We were pretty lax about it when we started because L didn’t seem to have much interest in things that weren’t HER things. Or, you know, my hair. So, we covered the outlets, and she figured out how to pull the little things out of the plugs and bring them to me. She unplugged all of the night lights. She seemed, not so much to want to play with the outlets themselves, but that anything that was in them should be brought straight to me. So, obviously, those little white plug things didn’t really help with anything. Really, the only thing that did any good was watching her round the clock so that she didn’t electrocute herself. We didn’t pad the corners of the tables and we didn’t put those SUPER ANNOYING plastic cabinet locks on everything because I found that she really only gets into the tupperware and, lets be honest, I doubt that a plastic bowl will be the cause of her first major injury. (We have them on SOME cabinets, but only the ones that contain any sort of cleaning chemicals and things of the like but I think that I actually have a harder time getting past them than she would. Parent-proof.) Then she started climbing on everything. Nothing is safe. How do you childproof for that? They don’t make a baby spray that repels babies away from dangerous things. You know, like that spray they make for pets that makes them not want to climb on/pee on things? (They really should develop this for babies. Because, aside from smearing peas on everything she could climb on, I can’t think of anything that would deter her.)

I can tell that I am going to have to, very soon, start re-evaluating this whole “baby-proofing” thing because Baby O is getting there. And by “getting there” I mean he is mobile enough to GET to things that are small enough to put in his mouth, however, not yet mobile enough to climb onto the dining room table and take a flying leap from it. And I have this feeling that it won’t be long before he will discover plugs. And cabinets. And…all sorts of potentially dangerous things…

Which brings me to my point: I can handle baby-proofing the house. Because I am home with the kids all day and I have developed a pretty good sense of what they can and WILL get into. I can see the little twinkle in their eyes when they see something intriguing. Like…anything that they can swallow and/or choke themselves with. I am getting SO good at spotting these things before they become an issue, you guys. SO GOOD. But I think I need to figure out how to childproof my husband.

MB seems completely oblivious to the fact that we have one kid who would love nothing more than for our entire house to be a climbing wall and another who would love for it to be made of tiny, brightly colored things that he can “taste”. So, he comes home from work, empties the day’s worth of tiny metal screws, nuts, and other weird stuff, pieces of wire, you name it, out of his pockets and onto a placemat on the kitchen table. We have a high table. No problem, right? Wrong, MB. You could not be more wrong. L can reach the place mat. She can reach it and she can pull it down, spilling tiny pieces of metal all over the kitchen floor. And even on my best day, I cannot guarantee that I got every speck of everything that has landed on the kitchen floor. So those little pieces travel into the living room. And become little potential killers of our baby. I tell him and I tell him and I tell him. And he cannot seem to wrap his head around the idea that he could just leave it in his work truck and then there would be no such issue.

I don’t know if this is a daddy thing or a parent who works outside the home thing or what…It just seems like none of this ever occurs to him. How can that be? After all the crazy he went about those stupid little plug things…

I googled “How to baby-proof your husband” but all I got was a bunch of relationship advice for new parents. Hell…maybe I should read that too? I am pretty sure killing your husband because he leaves tiny metal things all over the place isn’t the way to go…

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9 thoughts on “Why I Need to Baby-Proof My Husband

  1. If you figure it out, let me know. My husband plays the guitar and apparently that means he ALWAYS has to have a pick in his pocket. Or five picks in his pocket. That he dumps on the counter as soon as he gets home. How fast could a guitar pick choke a baby? I’m thinking fast.

  2. LPL oh husbands. My husband drives me crazy with his offerings of being helpful AFTER the fact. Like tonight….I am washing the last dish in the sink and then he tells me not to wash the dishes because he was going to do it. Lol…can’t live with em, or without 😉

  3. They should totally make that spray, except they should make it so it works, which the pet ones kind of don’t.

    As for the husband – sigh. Unfortunately I think the only way to develop the instinct is by the kind of constant, intense habit-forming learning sessions that come from trying to stop kids from killing themselves all day seven days a week on not much sleep. In other words, take a long holiday and leave them all at home til he learns.

    Second thoughts, that doesn’t sound so unfortunate.

  4. My cheeky side says “leave him home with the children for a day, alone” I know for many people this isn’t practical, but I would try to get HIM to intervene “watch the baby, she’s heading for your stuff” My husband and i used to yell “incoming” to each other the baby moved from room to room, because we didn’t/don’t really babyproof (we think its easier to just teach children there are things they can’t have…altho we do put some things high up) GOod Luck

      • He’ll never learn otherwise, seriously this is the person who your going to trust your children to for the rest of their lives, Stop protecting him (note I said him)…I left my husband with the kids early and often, and now he’s ended up needing to be the stay at home, imagine if I hadn’t !!!

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