Time Flies

Oh, dearest Blog of mine,

Where has the time gone? I remember a time when my only worry in the world was how I would ever get all of the Cheerios out from between the couch cushions before MB got home! Remember? L and O were just little tiny loaves of precious baby and I was all aflutter about the joy and chaos of parenthood. Until, well…Until I was close to a breakdown because of that whole chaos part.

I am here to report to you, my dear friend, that the chaos has far from slowed. L has just turned 4 and O will be three in exactly one week. There are still Cheerios everywhere. But now there is also couch diving and wall coloring and kicking and hitting and blood. Yes, sometimes there is blood. Because adorable, clumsy little O is ALL boy and falls on his face a lot. (Which only partially surprises me because his body has just now started to catch up with the size of gargantuan cranium. Some choice family members used to call him “Frankenhead”.)

I have to say, I have genuinely missed blogging. I have. I would have thought that, once these little monsters were a little older, I would have MORE time to myself. I would have thought that they would be more independent and able to entertain each other and I would be able to sit down, have a cup of coffee, and…you could really just insert anything here because at this point, sitting down and having a cup of coffee would really be enough. The rest is just a pipe dream anyway.

MB is, at least, now working at a job that affords us time together. And he actually even has time off, (Gasp!) and can take some of the responsibilities away from me so I can shower without imagining I am hearing blood curdling screams from the living room every time I lather up my (insanely long and unmanicured) hair. The truth is, this parenting thing KICKS MY ASS pretty regularly. It is not without its charms. But, true to form, I still want to stick my effing head in the oven at least once per day. One day, I will enlighten you. That day can’t be today. Because it is 3pm and there is half a sandwich, torn into about 300,000 pieces sitting on the floor in front of me and I fear that if I don’t get off of my ass soon and clean it up, the kids will wake up from their naps and be STARVING (because they are ALWAYS starving, unless it is a meal time) and eat it. Sometimes, I think that if I stopped giving them meals and just tossed food at them while they run back and forth from room to room, we wouldn’t waste so much. But, again, this is all for another day. (But if you have ever tried to feed a toddler anything, then I probably don’t have to explain. Also, I think they might enjoy it if I tossed food at them like this. They would think it was a game. Or they would pretend to be ducks. Oh man, I can’t imagine the noise. Jesus. I am stressed out just thinking about it.)

This is all very much just a drop in to let the universe and the blogosphere know that I am still alive and capable of making sentences. And I do plan to come back with something that is not complete nonsense. I do. And soon. Because I think that maybe this is where I left all of my sanity.

Until then, if you get bored, I am missing the matches to about 37 pairs of socks. So…keep your eyes peeled.


Get Ready, Ladies!

So, to make up for my utter and complete absence from the blogosphere, (because, lets face it, you guys missed me, amirite?), I am teaming up with an awesome lady for a new (and totally AMAZING) giveaway for the ladies! (Are you guys SO excited? I totally AM. And I can’t win. SO LAME.) Stay glued to the blog and to my FB page for details! Coming SUPER soon!

Not Enough Coffee in the World (And Your Chance to Win RAD SWAG!)

I don’t know if you guys are keeping track, but in exactly ONE WEEK, L is turning TWO FREAKING YEARS OLD. Two. I can’t even believe that I am going to have a two-year-old. And then three weeks later, Baby O will be turning ONE. And then I will have a nervous breakdown. I honestly do not know where the time has gone with these two. I went from not wanting kids, and then getting pregnant (on accident) and having a baby girl and falling so in love that I felt my heart might explode, to getting pregnant 35 seconds after she was born (on accident) and then having my little dude, to now having TWO TODDLERS! What in the holy hell is going on?

The amount of noise in my house at any given time is sort of insane. I mean, there is no escape. Someone is constantly yelling around here. Most of the time, it isn’t even angry yelling. Just yelling and screeching and all of those cute baby noises. You know, like amplified by a million because my son has some sort of complex about no one hearing him. He is trying to make sure that everyone can hear him over L’s tantrums. Because we have had some pretty epic tantrums lately. I am amazed that I haven’t broken down and invested in earplugs. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.

L’s birthday party is next Saturday. We decided to just do a little party at a playground because O’s party is about a month from now and I don’t know how I could stand to plan two giant parties at the same time. And we have a pretty big family and circle of friends, so I really just can’t handle all of that. I would have just had one giant party but I didn’t think that would be fair to O, since L got her big first birthday party with the smash cake and everyone celebrating just HER. (She did not smash that cake. I had to buy her a cupcake to smash on her actual birthday. Which may not have been the spectacle I had envisioned because no one was there to see it, but I loved every second of it. And so did she!) So, it is going to be a busy month. I am excited for everyone to come and play with us though. I love parties. LOVE. And guess what! I WON’T BE PREGNANT! SO THERE WILL BE COCKTAILS!

(I heart cocktails.)

L’s potty training is not so much happening. I have been trying with her but she seems more interested in sticking her head in her potty than sitting on it. I don’t understand this. But it is probably better to wait for right now anyway because she is on antibiotics for the second ear infection in two months and it is making her little tummy a battleground. I would rather not have her running around without a diaper at this point in time. (Read: I don’t own a dog because I don’t like poop on my floor.)

O is finally doing some crawling. He is not as lazy as L was when she was this age. He has WAY more desire to get around than she did and I wouldn’t be surprised if, like her, he decided to skip REAL crawling altogether and just start darting across the house. I have a bunch of friends who had babies around the same time as O was born and their babies are crawling and cruising and all sorts of stuff. One is even walking. If I didn’t know how L was at this age, I might be a little worried. But I’m not concerned. He actually CAN cruise a little bit and does whenever he is given the chance. So, there’s that.

As usual, I am exhausted. I feel like my head sort of lives on a cloud somewhere because forming a complete sentence, especially before a cup of coffee or after 7pm has become nearly impossible. But…people tell me that this will get easier. And I am choosing to believe that. And if it doesn’t, everyone who has ever lied to me about it will be getting a throat punch. That is all.

One of my children is currently covered in something that looks like chocolate and the other one is rolling from one end of the living room to the other. So, I guess I should just wrap this up and go ahead and remind you that you have one week to enter the Giveaway over at my FB page! All you have to do is be a resident of the US, “like” my FB page, and then click the Giveaway tab to enter! I won’t give away what the “rad swag” is, but I WILL tell you that a $10 Starbucks gift card is up for grabs and who doesn’t want free Starbucks goodness? (I could use some RIGHT NOW, in fact.) So, go and enter! Thanks and GOOD LUCK!


Yes, I Said, “Rad Swag”.

Okay, so I couldn’t wait. I went ahead and decided to start taking entries for the FIRST EVER BROKEN CONDOMS BLOG GIVEAWAY today instead of May 1st. Partially, because I am taking a mini-vacay with the little family for the first time since we were a family of FOUR and the first time I have been away since I got married in 2012. And I am SO EFFING EXCITED that I felt like I might not remember to remind you wonderful people to head on over to my Facebook Fan Page, “Like” Broken Condoms Blog and enter by clicking the Giveaway tab to win some rad swag! (Yes. I just said “rad swag”. Please don’t hold it against me.) So, anyway, starting right now, you can head on over and enter! The contest will run until L’s SECOND (holy shitballs) birthday on May 19th and you must be a resident of the US to win!

Thanks for reading, ladies and gents!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

I’m Finally Doing It! (Alternately Titled: Swaggy McSwaggerson)

So, L is going to be turning 2. Like, super soon. And I have been hinting at a giveaway for awhile. And I have been deciding whether or not I want to give you guys booze or drink it myself. (I have, obviously, opted to drink it myself. Naturally.) But in honor of my L’s SECOND (holy shitballs, you guys!) birthday, I am giving one of you lucky followers a birthday gift! Hooray for you! The contest will start on May 1st and run through midnight on May 19th (L’s birthday) and you have to like the Broken Condoms Blog FB page to enter! I promise, I will not send you broken condoms. I swear to Cheesus.


Good luck! XO!

a Rafflecopter giveaway


Oh my gosh, you guys! Thank you for 1,700 WordPress followers! You all are THE BEST.

But keep in mind, if you really want to know what my kids have eaten for dinner (Read: smeared all over my walls), or what kids’ TV show makes me want to break stuff, you have to follow along on Facebook! (Go ahead, there’s a box over there on the right!)

All the cool kids are doing it.