Tag Archives: My Beloved

I really don’t care that you’ve just broken your leg and a bone is actually protruding through your skin, I SAID I wanted a sandwich!

So, this pregnancy thing sort of turns a lady into another person, doesn’t it? I am fairly certain that, on an average day, I shift back and forth between 47 different personalities. This doesn’t bother me so much, because I rarely notice that it has happened. Except when I catch my head spinning around in circles and projectile pea soup flowing from my face (obviously this is a slight exaggeration but, the pea soup thing? Not so far from what is actually happening once or twice a day…) And I wouldn’t feel so bad about the personality shifting at all, except that My Beloved often gets caught in the crossfire. And, you know, seeing as there is no definitive way to tell when a “shift” will occur, I find that most often he is cowering in a corner trying to escape my wrath. And, of course, that would be the exact moment that I need a hug. And then I am hurt that he doesn’t use his spidey-sense to know that I need a hug and climb out of the fetal position and give me one. And then I start to cry because, “OH.MY.GOD. He doesn’t even love me!” and “Why am I going through all this horrible hostile body take-over madness for someone who is OBVIOUSLY going to leave me? Probably tonight! Where is the suitcase?” Meanwhile, my poor beloved has no idea what has happened. Have I told him that I wanted a hug? No. And now I am hysterically crying and packing the suitcase full of his things and incoherently insisting that “he just leave me. I am a big, pregnant ball of hideousness and he deserves better.” Has he any idea what has just happened? No. He was thinking about playing, “Gears of War” and now  he is, evidently, moving out.

 

And it isn’t just the intense irrational sadness. There is also irrational anger. It is quick and fierce and likens me to Hitler. Because as soon as the hysterical crying has stopped, I am, naturally, hungry. Because being crazy and irrational works up an appetite.  And then I want there to be something very specific and delicious to eat and I need it to be AT. MY. FINGERTIPS. And I need it to be there right now. RIGHT NOW. And MB should know what that something specific is and should have it piping hot and ready to eat at the instant my little, insane heart desires it. And then the conversation goes like this:

 

“I really need a barbequed turkey sandwich and french fries. And macaroni and cheese.”

 

“Okay, I will run out in a just a minute and get you all of that.”

 

“Okay, but I have really bad heartburn and I really need to eat.”

 

“You know, I have had really bad heartburn for the last couple of hours, it is really weird.”

 

“Look. There is an alien growing in my abdomen and I have had heartburn for six WEEKS, and I really need to eat food.  I am sorry that I don’t seem sympathetic about your heartburn but I think I have trumped you. Sandwich!”

 

“…”

 

Naturally, the conversation ends, sandwich is delivered and half of it is eaten (because you know, once I got that specific thing, I realized that what I really wanted was fried chicken) and then I need a hug. But MB has taken his place, cowering in a corner.

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Lessons

I thought that after a little time since finding out about this whole pregnancy thing, I would be a little more used to it. You know, able to accept that in a few short months, I would be popping out a screaming, shitting little monster and then nurturing and raising it for the next 18 years, but it really hasn’t sunken in yet. But I have definitely recognized its presence in my life. Behold:

 

Things I have experienced and/or learned since becoming pregnant:

 

1. Spontaneous vomiting is a real thing. You don’t know when or where it might occur but it does. And there you are trying desperately not to puke on your boss. (And not necessarily because you haven’t ever wanted to puke on your boss, but because actually doing these things could be considered rude and/or give away the fact that you are growing a kid.)

 

2. No amount of cheeseburgers is ever sufficient. Ever.

 

3. I sometimes hate my beloved because:

                a) His penis is the reason I am in this mess in the first place.

                b) I have suddenly realized that men fart a lot. And they smell. Which can bring about spontaneous vomiting as mentioned above.

                c) He eats sour cream or A1 sauce on everything. That is just nasty.

                d) He doesn’t understand that, even though I have not touched the ice cream in the freezer, I may someday want to eat it and that it is OFF LIMITS to him unless, he too, is growing something alien in his uterus.

 

4. To save time, I have learned to vomit IN the shower, to avoid being late to work. My genius amazes even me.

 

5. The size of my boobs will soon exceed the size of my head.

 

If nothing else, I am finding that this whole thing has become quite a learning experience. Although, like Algebra, I am not sure this knowledge will be useful for anything in the future.