Better Late Than Never

Today, at nearly 30 weeks, I had the anatomy scan which should have (and would have, if the system hadn’t tried to kill my baby) been done about 9-10 weeks ago. This being able to go to see doctors thing is pretty rad, I must say. Everything looks good so far, but of course, Baby L is stubborn and, just like last time, wouldn’t roll over so we could get a decent look at her face. The tech did manage to get a few decent shots, though, and I will go back in four weeks for another scan, just to check up. It feels good just to know I haven’t been abandoned.

20120307-135011.jpgThe last three months have really worn me down (and OUT). I think that this has been the most trying period of my life. I have stayed awake at night, my mind racing about what I would do if I never got some assistance. How I would pay. Where I would go. I have forgotten how to relate to people at times. I have been so consumed with worry that nothing has mattered. And the attempts at easing my mind by MB have been appreciated but have mostly failed. I had forgotten how to breathe. How to sleep. How to interact. Since my appointment last Thursday, I have gotten some of my normalcy back. I have laughed outloud. I have remembered to breathe. And mostly, I can sleep again. I can actually rest without the panic that loomed over me for so long. And I am telling you, all of that pent-up panic sure does wear a person out, I could likely sleep until the end of this pregnancy at this point. (Relief is the new Ambien, people.)

I still worry about unemployment. And I still harbor a good bit of anger about being fired after announcing my pregnancy and knowing what kind of morons and wastes of space are still employed there (but aren’t pregnant, so they get to stay) but I am working through that. And am certain that the parties involved will get what they deserve for what they did to me and my unborn baby. I try not to harp on the absolute absurdity of the whole thing and I try not to harbor any animosity and am certain that karma is a bitch, but, it is hard to take the high road when your child (whom you haven’t even met yet) could suffer from the insensitive and discriminatory actions of another person/entity. Just saying. I still worry things won’t work out. But I am faithful. And I am sure that they’ll get theirs. And I love being witness to karmic bitchslaps.


5 thoughts on “Better Late Than Never

  1. You have an amazing attitude about the whole thing. If I had been in your situation, I would have likely given up/ gotten depressed/ alienated myself from my partner/ had 100% reluctance to foster a positive attitude. You are going to be such a fantastic mom to your baby and she’s going to be a great person too since she shares your DNA.

    • You just totally made me cry! Thank you so much. It is a struggle, believe me, but if there is one thing I refuse to do it is let things distract from the really important things at hand. I honestly couldn’t do any of it, though, if I didn’t have MB and hadn’t found so much support in such an unlikely place as the blogosphere and the network of amazing women (that means you!) I have found because of this blog. So, really, pat yourself on the back, because without you, I might be seven months pregnant, sleeping in a cardboard box somewhere, whimpering and babbling about “the man”. Just saying…


  2. Hi, just been reading your blog for the first time. Well done on getting through all this, sounds like you’ve had a hell of time!
    As a Brit it seems insane to me that healthcare isn’t free (I’ll never insult the NHS again!) and that you could get fired when pregnant. If an employer sacked you when they found out you were pregnant here you could take them to the cleaners.
    This isn’t a boast about how great the UK is (because it’s not) but I just wanted to express some increduality at your situation and some admiration at how you’re handling it.

  3. SHE IS SO CUTE!!! How was it for you, finally really seeing her little face? It’s so amazing to read back to your first month of posts, until now. And I am SO EXCITED you got some health care! I hope you can finally get a good night’s sleep!

    • It was really surreal! Even after several months of feeling something flopping and flipping around in there and having heard the heartbeat and stuff, I guess it doesn’t really sink in right away that you are GROWING a PERSON. With a FACE! lol…it really was great to finally see her. And she has MB’s nose. How weird to be able to see!

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