Nine Months. A Total Lie.

You’ve all heard the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, right?

Then you can understand, internet, why I haven’t been a regular, every day kind of blogger lately. But I am here today to make amends, (to some degree) so let me tell you right off the bat, internet, that your hair looks LOVELY today.


Today, I am 36 weeks pregnant. That, if you are doing the math, is NINE MONTHS. And if you believe what you have heard about pregnancy lasting nine months, then it would stand to reason that I would currently be IN LABOR. But…alas…I am not. (And that nine months of pregnancy thing? A total lie. They say that, but they are lying. 40 weeks does not equal nine months.) I am, however, dousing things in hot sauce to speed up the process. Heartburn or no heartburn. I can’t take anymore. I can’t remember who said to me, around week 25 or so in response to my inquiry about why pregnancy has to last so long, “At least you aren’t an elephant, they gestate for 22 months. That’s almost TWO YEARS!” but I would like to say to this person, a) SHUT THE FUCK UP and b) you have a point. My thoughts on this vary. BUT, the sentiment has stayed with me. And for the record, I am glad that I am not an elephant. And gestation really isn’t the only reason. Their skin looks painfully dry.

For lack of anything nice to say, here are a few notes on my 35th week:

1. My belly has seemingly doubled in size. Until now, strangers had been oblivious of “the bump” and had treated me just as rudely as they always had. This gave me a small amount of comfort because either they hadn’t noticed that I was knocked up (which essentially meant that I wasn’t nearly as gigantic as I thought) or that people were just as big of assholes to pregnant ladies (which made me feel less like I was handicapped in some way). MB and I went to a flea market last weekend as an attempt to get me out into the land of the living and while we were out and about, three people made conversation about my pregnancy. This was both unsettling (because I realized that I probably now AM as gigantic as I feel) and comforting (because people actually WERE nicer to me than before I was knocked up). I didn’t punch anyone. Not even the lady in the dairy section of the grocery store who yelled across the aisle at me to comment on how low the baby is sitting, judging from the shape of my belly.

2. I’m a bit snappy. Throughout the whole pregnancy, no matter how irritatign things were, I managed to refrain from snapping at MB. Like, almost, AT ALL (which, if you know me, is a total accomplishment). But now? All bets are off, internet. I will bite his head off. And if someone witnesses said head biting, I will bite their heads off as well. No one is safe. I am a loose cannon. (Which should make this baby shower I have to attend tomorrow interesting! HA!)

3. I hurt. Pretty much everywhere. I never understood how a tiny baby, kicking you in the ribs from the inside could be painful. And then it started happening to me. And then I started viewing it as some sort of karmic retribution for accidently dropping my sister when she was a baby. (It was totally an accident, I tried to lift her out of the bassinet because she was crying! Sheesh!) The back pain, I can handle. I am used to my back feeling like it is breaking in half. And the hip pain has mostly subsided (unless I am trying to sleep on my sides or walk through a parking lot).  But my muscles ache. And my head hurts. And the nausea HAS RETURNED. (Did you hear that, ladies?! NAUSEA. AGAIN!) And I am pretty sure that this child is already the size of a 12-year-old.

I am ready to do this thing.


19 thoughts on “Nine Months. A Total Lie.

  1. Hahaha! Any bullet point presentation that starts with “a) SHUT THE FUCK UP” is hilarious. Oh I wish you gave my powerpoint presentations in college.

    • I actually used to do Powerpoint presentations for a Hepatologist that I worked for. For some reason, he did not appreciate my use of the word “fuck” or my generally hostile tone in his presentations like “Encephalopathy in the Advanced Hepatitis C patient”. I never understood why…Puzzling.

      • Yeah I don’t understand why either. People need to get over themselves. It’s called having a personality. They need to FUCKING get one. (Pretend we’re virtually high fiving at this part).

  2. Oh man, you are so close! I remember writing a 36 weeks post, like, yesterday. Hold on to your hat!

    Also, I didn’t talk about it on my blog because family now occasionally reads it, but B and I definitely jump-started labor by having “grown-up time” nine hours before my water broke. I had been going the route of spicy foods with no results for about a week so it was the next logical step. Maybe if you want to get things going you could try that too. It’s clumsy but it may just work/

  3. Yeah, I wasn’t sure I wanted to make reference to “Grown up time” here either, but what the hell, right? I talk about my vagina all the time! I have been mostly disinterested (read: COMPLETELY DISGUSTED) by the idea of any grown-up time happening and then I realized that this might be the ONLY way to start the expulsion of this child! So, I informed MB last night that he will be at my disposal until labor happens. Which sort of made me feel like some sort of blimp-shaped dominatrix, which was a little awkward. But, hell…what do I care?

    • Sex helped break my water when I was overdue with my second. We’re so close! We need to bet on which one of us goes into labor first. I’ll bet on you. I’m generally overdue, so we had to have the conversation with the doc today about how long I would wait to be induced after my due date :/
      and I don’t care how many months elephants gestate for…i still feel like one.

      • I’m totally jumping on that sex boat now. (That sounded weird, right?) I am not sure I can take four more weeks of this.

        Ooooh! What is your exact due date? I have been telling myself that I will go into labor on May 4th (my due date is the 18th) but I am not sure why I have decided on that date. I am not sure I will be early, but I am really hoping since my sister and I both really (evidently) hated the whole “In Utero” thing (not the album. I can’t speak to whether or not my sister enjoyed it because she was like ten when it came out, but I rather enjoyed it). I will take the bet! I have this feeling that I will be pregnant well into next year! This shit is unending!

      • May 15th is my due date. The hubby is set on the 9th for some reason…but if I don’t go into labor or my water doesn’t break on it’s own, then we’re scheduled to go in on the 22nd. Doctor tried to tell me I could go at least 2 weeks past my due date and I said hells to the no.

    • In a way, you just made me sort of jealous, because 14 weeks ago, I didn’t want to punch people in the throat nearly as badly! I was a much better person then. Enjoy it!

  4. I know you’ve probably had all the parenting tips you can handle by this point so I would like to give you a tip for RIGHT NOW. If shopping for things (other than groceries) puts you in a good mood, do all of the shopping you can now. Sounds like your pregnancy is being noticed by people who you haven’t told now and pregnant ladies cab make salespeople nervous. If you have plans for a major purchase you can easily haggle for an awesome deal….and it will make you feel a little better to “use” the five weeks you have left!

    • I will be 37 weeks on Friday!!! That’s full term!!! My role does not get any slower than this, B! It takes me 45 minutes to get out of bed and to the bathroom!!!

  5. YOU ALMOST HAVE A KID. I’m sorry that I don’t have any tips or advice or anything helpful to say at all because I have less than zero experience in this field, but I’ve been reading your blog this whole time and it’s been a saga. Now it’s almost the climax and I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU/FREAKED OUT THAT I’VE BEEN READING A MOMMY BLOG SINCE OCTOBER BECAUSE I ENJOY IT SO GODDAMN MUCH.

    • Haha! First, thank you for reading my “mommy blog” even though I really never wanted to be writing a “mommy blog”! And holy CRAP, it is about to get really real up in here, yo!

  6. I am 29.5 weeks pregnant and ready for this shit to be over!!! I have to pump myself up for the next 3 months a few times a day. 3 MONTHS!!!!!!! It is a long time and yes I agree with you about the elephants on both accounts..22 months of gestation (holy crap!) topped off with incredibly dry skin. (insult to injury)

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