Broken Condoms…Reloaded (Alternately Titled “Holy Shitballs” Which Seems to be the Common Response)

Seriously, I know the title sounds a little gross. And I also know that I might get some serious weirdos starting to hang around…but I will have to deal with it. Because I am too tired to think of a clever title that fits this post. Because, internet, I’m knocked up again.

And yes. You read that right. I, Broken Condoms lady, reluctant mommy blogger, is knocked up AGAIN. And before you all start dropping like flies with the sheer shock of it all, let me go ahead and clear everything up for you. Please feel free to let me know if I leave anything out…

1. Yes. I was taking birth control pills. And yes, we were also using condoms on the rare occasion that I actually let my husband touch me. Because pregnancy was enough to scare me into wearing a titanium suit around him if I had to. None of this worked, evidently. Hence this post. (Grrr…)

2. How do I feel about this whole mess, you ask? Well, internet, I feel a lot of things. I’ve been keeping this under wraps for awhile so a lot of that emotional shit, I have since come to terms with, but let me try and run you through what I have experienced thus far. First there was denial. I think that when your first child is 5.5 months old and you find out that you are, indeed, expecting again, the first thing that happens in your brain (especially if you have been taking any and every means of preventing this from happening) is that you decide that it can’t be true. It has to be some cruel joke that the Universe is playing on you. Wait, is it April Fools’ Day? You got me, Universe, you really, really got me. But then you start to vomit and you think, “Hey, I must have a stomach bug.” Seriously. I convinced myself for 4 days that the positive home pregnancy test was the Universe playing a joke and that the morning sickness was actually just a stomach bug. After I puked a few more times, though, I just started to have a little breakdown. I kept thinking about all the things I was about to have to do (AGAIN) that drove me so crazy the first time. You know, like the not sleeping (which I am, obviously, currently not doing anyway) and the back pain and the intense need for double cheeseburgers from McDonalds. And then I cried a lot. Daily. For a LONG TIME. I considered options. And I discussed everything with MB (who, by the way, was in support of whatever I decided even though he felt that we, as a couple, are strong enough to do this shit all over again. Curses.) I stared at my daughter for hours and contemplated the birth of our second child and what it would mean for us and our family. I reasoned with myself about eventually wanting to have another child in the next couple of years anyway and how having this baby would make me…well…DONE with childbearing. And that thought gave me solace. But then I cried some more. Because, holy crap, internet, the kids will only be a year apart! And how will I chase a child who will inevitably be starting to walk and carry a newborn around and not sleep all while MB is at work all day?! How will I manage?! But then I stared at my daughter some more. And I thought about how hopeless I felt when I found out I was pregnant with her. And how doubtful of my abilities I was before she was born. And I felt a little bit better. Because dammit, I am a fantastic mom. Am I necessarily ready to be the “mother of two”? No. But was I ready to be a “mother of one”? Hells no.

The acceptance part started after I had to go to the Health Center and get a proof of pregnancy again so I could start the medicaid process (because, though, MB and I are now married, my insurance did not start until January 1st) AGAIN. (Which, if you remember, was pretty much the worst thing EVER for me.) A week later, the crying had stopped, for the most part, and shockingly, the Health Department had my Medicaid set up before I showed up for my appointment. (I didn’t have to make a SINGLE PHONE CALL.) I saw that as a good omen. And then I was all set to hear the heartbeat of the baby (as it was estimated that I was about 14 weeks along at this point) and the PA couldn’t find it on the Doppler. And this might sound crazy. Or horrible. Or whatever…but I was actually relieved. I felt like this might be my “out”. She set me up with an Ultrasound (which was more than three weeks away) and sent me on my way. To panic some more. Needless to say, I started the processes all over again, thinking that it might just be a fluke. Hello, denial.

My ultrasound was yesterday afternoon. I told my sister-in-law in the morning what the situation was and she offered to come with me to the appointment in case MB couldn’t get home from work in time. MB made it home at the speed of light and the three of us trekked downtown and, just like that, I’m gonna have a little boy. Due June 6th, 2013.

3. So, yeah, I know I didn’t answer “how do you feel NOW?” in that monster paragraph up there. The truth is. I feel peaceful. Obviously, fat. And sleepy. And a little scared. But also a little relieved that this whole thing is already almost half-way over and no one could tell I was pregnant (SCORE!). I haven’t gained any weight. I haven’t been nearly as sick as last time. Things have been fairly uneventful. So, do I feel good about the whole thing? Ehhh…I don’t know if GOOD is the right adjective. But I feel okay. I am alive, I am healthy. My baby is healthy. And I still have a wonderful partner and a beautiful daughter to remind me that this is not the end of the world. (Because, in some intense moments, I feel like I could lose it.)

4. I haven’t told EVERYONE in the world yet. By that, I just mean that I haven’t announced the news on Facebook. And I probably won’t do a giant, “We’re pregnant!!!” post. Because the people who matter have either already been told or will be soon enough. I don’t need to tell 200 more of my closest friends. Also, I am still sorting out the fact that I feel sort of ashamed that I let this happen so soon after having Baby L. Yes, I know I did all I could to prevent it, internet. But it feels so…irresponsible. Seriously. I mean, come ON, internet. Who DOES this?

(As I type this, THIS is what is happening on my TV. How can I not be optimistic?!)

Anyway, so that’s what’s going on over here. And maybe why I have been sort of distant lately. Please don’t break up with me, internet. I can’t do this alone!


45 thoughts on “Broken Condoms…Reloaded (Alternately Titled “Holy Shitballs” Which Seems to be the Common Response)

  1. You’ll do fine – and II hope you aren’t as nervous as before because you’ve done this before and know what to expect. Nothing like life throwing you a curveball! An adorable, baby curveball!

    • Thank you! I really do think I will be okay this time. I mean, more okay than last time. But either way, my blog should get all entertaining again. If you count talking about morning sickness entertaining!

  2. Holy shit balls! I am glad you are feeling pretty good. Just think you are getting the pregnancy & baby thing all knocked out so you can have your body back! Congrats! Looking forward to reading about your pregnancy.

  3. Speechless. I am speechless.

    OK, I’m over my speechlessness, and here is my real comment:

    This announcement is probably the must full-circle moment I’ve had since I’ve been blogging, since yours was among the first five blogs I started following and I followed you because we were both pregnant. And let me just say, you are all over it, mama. If anyone can do it AGAIN, it is you. Even though I don’t know exactly how you must feel, I was thinking over Christmas over what it would be like if I found out I was pregnant again right now. “Holy shitballs” was definitely a good way to describe my general feeling. It’s a tall order. But you are going to rock it in a way that I simply could not. You have had so much thrown at you since you found out you were expecting Baby L that this will be a time of relaxation and centering.

    Now go eat a burger. ;D

    • Lol…thank you so much, Emily! I really feel like a lunatic most of the time these days…I can’t believe this has happened and after everything else that has happened to us. But I appreciate, so much, the vote of confidence! Stay tuned, girlie, shit’s about to get REALLY real!

  4. Oh my gosh! Congratulations!! But I am scared now. What kind of birth control are you using? Are you breastfeeding? I have an 8 month old and just got a Paragard IUD, but I am still worried about getting pregnant again. I really don’t want any more kids.

    • Thank you! Don’t be scared! I have heard that the Paraguard is fantastic. We were using pills and condoms. Apparently, my husband’s unstoppable sperm doesn’t care. DOES NOT CARE. I wasn’t breastfeeding either. I wouldn’t be too worried if I were you. I think that you’re probably in the clear…(but what the hell do I know? I can’t stop getting knocked up!)

  5. I always say that things happen the way they’re supposed to, and what we assume are precautions are mainly just for our own comfort. We never used birth control, and we didn’t get pregnant for a good six years into our relationship, right after we decided to have a baby. Since then, we haven’t used anything, and he’s 2 1/2. I think the universe just thinks you’re a fantastic mommy and wants another baby to have the chance to be yours. 🙂 And hooray for a boy! Now you get to deal with a whole new set of diapering challenges!

    • Awww, well thank you! I absolutely believe we were supposed to have a boy and a girl. I just THOUGHT it would be the other way around and…well…a little further apart! This is just a lot at once! But we will WORK IT! Oh I can’t wait for fountain pee!

  6. Wow and wow! Didn’t see it coming at all 🙂 Congrats, can’t wait to follow along on this adventure! And that’s just crazy with all the protection – super sperm indeed!

  7. omg! I don’t even know what to say, except for that I think I’d have a lot of the same feelings if I were in your shoes. It is bizarre that the BC AND the condom failed! I mean, the odds are astronomical. I’d ask MB if he’s been poking holes in your condoms. 😉

  8. Um mm… iI… you… Holy shitballs! Congratulations and I’m sorry all at once! Your children will be lucky to have close friends in each other on top of being lucky for having such an awesome mom!

  9. My sister and I are 10.5 months apart. My mother showed up at her 6 week check PREGNANT. I was not walking when my sister was born– and not for a couple of months after.

    It will be ok, it will be hard, but my sister and I are very close and always have been (when we haven’t wanted to kill each other.) I had three kids in four years and they are (mostly) thick as thieves. After the babyhood wears off, it’s insurance against having to play with your kids every second of the day because they have each other!

    • That’s what I am really hoping for. My sister and I are really tight now, but we are four years apart and I am the oldest, so when we were younger, it was rough. She always wanted to tag along and do everything I did, and sleep in my room and all that, and she drove me NUTS. But i think this will be good, at least in that respect!

  10. Holy Moly you are seriously fertile! Well, congrats even though it wasn’t what you were planning. We are just now thinking about #2 and I have the same moments of panic about how the hell one does this with two. Good luck.

  11. Pingback: Starting Over… « Broken Condoms

  12. Holy shitballs, this is huge! An accidental congrats to you!

    Here’s my unsolicited and potentially unhelpful consolation for you: My brother and I were 16 months apart. My brother’s kids are about as close together. It can be done. It has been done. And if anyone can do it, it’s you. I think making sure rooms had working and reliable doors was the secret to raising kids that bunched together. And making sure to close those doors often.

    • Thanks, Ande! That actually does help. I am so scared of having two kids so close in age. But I am also sort of grateful because they have the potential to be besties. And that, I think, rocks.
      There will definitely be doors. Closed ones, even!

  13. Holy Shitsnacks! Congrats! How terrifying! And exciting! But terrifying!

    This post reminded me of an old co-worker of mine who got knocked up two months after her first kid was born. She was in shock and not ready and scared she couldn’t love him as much as the first. But, as things tend to do, everything worked out and obviously she loves him as much and a year after the second was born, she was pregnant with a third. #justsaying. 😉

    But seriously, exciting news! Can’t wait to continue to follow your adventures.

    • Thank you! And yes! TERRIFYING! And I totally AM worried I won’t love this little guy as much as I love Baby L. MB thinks that this is because I am an irrational pregnant lady. What does he know?

  14. My brother and I are almost exactly a year apart. He came home from the hospital on my first birthday. Was my mom overwhelmed and crazed for an entire year of her life? Yes. But then… me and my bro were (are) best friends. We loved it. Not that this knowledge will necessarily help you at all, but you’ll get through it. And all at the same time! The diapers/bottles/toddler years etc will all be done at the same time. So there’s that. I’ve actually been terrified of this happening to me because it runs in my family (it also happened to my Aunt and Grandmother), but honestly? A small part of me was hoping it would happen too. Anyway – pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood – it’s all a nutty ride but I think you will be fine. And I wish you the best of luck. And congratulations!

  15. Congrats! No matter how far apart in age they are, the first 1/4 year of having two is…an adjustment. If Baby L was a little older, she might be trying to poke out Baby O’s eyes. (Like someone I know.) You’ll think to yourself that it was perfect the way it turned out – once you get enough sleep to realize it’s all ok. ❤

  16. Ok, I’m a little late with this, but I just saw your blog on Freshly Pressed so forgive me. Almost the exact same thing happened to my mom. She was 19, in college and got pregnant. 3 months later she was married, 6 months after that I was born and 14 months after that my brother was born! So, reading this was like reading a family history. She turned out to be a great mom, the best mom ever, and you will be too. It shows in you writing. Best of luck to you and enjoy the little beasts every day. 🙂

    • Thank you! It is definititely the most terrifying, beautiful and ridiculous ride EVAR, but I am really grateful to have had so much support from family, a really amazing partner and to have gained SO MUCH support from other bloggers! Thanks so much for reading!!!

  17. I just found your blog and I have to say I am in love. I love your humor! And I can definitely relate to the whole finding out you are pregnant when you are just getting used to having one little one running around the house!! You’ll be fine though. The first couple months are tough. And when they are one and two they are a handful and you will fall into bed every single night grateful that you managed to get through another day. but then you’ll see the two of them playing together or laughing together and you’re heart will melt and you’ll be glad it happened the way it did. (I speak from experience. My boys are 27 months and 12 months and we are expecting a baby girl in May… yea I’ve officially lost it!) But despite some bad days, it’ll be an awesome experience!! Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy! I can’t wait to read more of your posts!!

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