Uninvited

Before you ask: No, I haven’t had this baby yet. And yes, I am due in 6 days. And yes, I am uncomfortable, annoyed and generally ready to do the damn thang. (But yes, I am still having nearly nightly panic attacks about having another baby to take care of. I don’t think that’s going to change until I prove to myself that I am Superwoman. And this will hopefully occur sooner, rather than later.) But this isn’t really what I want to talk about today. Because if I talk about, I could get pretty profane. And, well, no one wants that. Right?

 

Who am I kidding? I am most likely going to get really profane anyway. Because this shit is pissing me OFF, you guys.

 

Okay, so MB, Baby L and I moved out of my Mother-In-Law’s house for several reasons. One was because, when we found out we were pregnant with Baby O, I envisioned myself actually locking MB’s nephew in a closet for several months so my kids would be able to sleep peacefully. And when you see yourself doing things like this, you know you are in an unfavorable situation. (And maybe it isn’t the kid’s fault that he is disobedient, loud and generally obnoxious. But it doesn’t matter. He IS those things. And I knew that if we didn’t move, I might start to get really mean.) I was so relieved to get out of there. Not because I didn’t like the family (obviously, I love them) but because I couldn’t stand living with people who were on different schedules, doing different things, at different noise levels, all when I was trying to get my kid into a sleep pattern that didn’t require me to be up all night and then cleaning up after everyone all day. This was not ideal. And I hated the side of town that we were living on.

When we found our rental house, I didn’t love it either. And it is on the same side of town. But the price is right. And the size is right. And guess what, you guys! My in-laws don’t live there! Score! So, I sucked it up. I gave in and agreed that, since I am not currently employed outside of the home, and MB is the breadwinner and this place is not falling apart and doesn’t come with built-in annoying children, I could do it. And I would grin and bear it until I go back to work, and can contribute more financially. SO…here we are. On a side of town that I hate, but no longer bitch about because I am grateful to be here. Alone with MY little family. And with my giant back yard.

But, here comes the bitching.

Several times a week, after I have spent an hour trying to get Baby L ready for a nap and then waiting for her to fight sleep and finally give in so I can go and EAT A DAMN SANDWICH, I walk back into the living room, take a bite of said sandwich and notice, out my front window, people walking up to my front door. (It is important that you know, internet, that we don’t use our front door. It is locked at all times, and can only be opened (even from the inside) with a key. Because we use the carport door. Because that makes sense. You know, because we park there. All of our friends use the carport. Everyone uses the fucking carport.) It happens before noon. And, because I have to, then, frantically search for my keys in order to unlock the door, these people typically have time to ring the doorbell and within ONE SECOND of doing so, add in a good banging on the front door. You know, for good measure. And then Baby L is screaming. And there is a rotund black woman wearing a giant hat, and a tall gentleman wearing a suit standing there, anxiously waiting to tell me where to find Jesus.

I KNOW WHERE JESUS IS.

I went to church for the entirety of my childhood. Never once was I required to knock on a stranger’s door to tell them about where to find Jesus. Because it seems to be the opinion of the people in the congregation I was a part of, that if you WANT TO FIND JESUS, you will do that. You do not need some strangers to help you. It is creepy that people will come to your house to tell you about this stuff. It is creepy because they don’t know me. I could be ANY KIND of person. I could be the kind of person who would totally shoots the kind of people who are not the same as me. I could be the kind of person who would be offended by their religious views. I could be the kind of person who has a one-year-old child who doesn’t sleep and who gets very hostile at 39 weeks pregnant when her baby is awoken by strangers who want to tell her about Jesus. I AM THAT KIND OF PERSON.

(And I am, honestly, a little offended when people try and push their views on me in the first place. That takes some NERVE to come to MY HOUSE and disrupt MY DAY like that without any consideration about how your views might sit with me. But I won’t get all on a religious or moral kick here. Because that is not the kind of blogger I am, and frankly, it doesn’t matter what I believe. Except that I believe that you should not come to my house unless you are invited. And, preferably, have brought me wine.)

After this happens, and I try my damndest not to seriously injure these people (who are likely thinking they are doing some sort of Godly work or something), I am seriously angry. I mean, ANGRY. It is the most annoying thing I can think of. Like, ever. MB had to stop me today, from putting a sign on our front door that said, “I know where Jesus is. Do not knock on this door. Thank you.” He said that it would be in bad taste. I think knocking on my door uninvited and waking my kid up is in bad taste. But maybe that’s just me?

What IS it with this side of town?!

Since I posted this, I’ve gotten some awesome illustrations:

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15 thoughts on “Uninvited

    • Oh, there will be a sign. Indeed. I just have to calm down enough before I make it that I don’t just end up writing, “go the eff away!”

      Yours is good, though. And do people seem to get it now?

  1. Haven’t had an unwelcome doorbell ring since! Even UPS/Fed-Ex guys just leave the packages without signaling their arrival, unless they need a signature.

    A young pizza delivery guy did make a snarky comment about “hearing the dog bark but was disappointed in the lack of baby cry” after he rang. I laughed. Touche, Pizza Guy,

    For what it’s worth, I don’t think your sign is offensive. It gets the point across AND you didn’t even curse!

  2. If they are continuosly coming and disturbing you, put up a sign or report them or something. I wouldve allready probubly gave them physical injuries. Same thing happens to me, but I guess they know I am on a short fuse so they call on phone and wake my little one up -_-

  3. I have a sign. I currently have a 2 yr old, a 1 yr old and a 2 week old. If you come to my door and wake any or all of them up after I have gotten them to sleep you better find a place to hide. (Which is what I wanted to write on the sign but Hubs wouldn’t let me instead it says ‘kids are napping, please knock’ It mostly works. Unless people think my kids shouldn’t be napping at that time of day (like the mail man who rang it at 10 am not 2 minutes after my 1 yr old went down for his nap after being up half the night teething) I want to change the sign to something more snarky, but we live in military housing so hubs won’t allow it.

  4. I vote for the sign! If that wording is offensive to your husband, do what my aunt did. She seriously put up a sign that read “Young children live here. If you knock in the door, you are agreeing to put them back to sleep if you wake them up!” She said it worked like a charm.

  5. I also agree with putting up a sign. “If you want to tell me where Jesus is, leave your number and I will call you back when my baby is not sleeping…at 3 am.”

    • I like how you worded your idea for a sign… I think I am going to change my answering machine to something similar for all the people who call me asking me if I want to buy stupid things, sign up for credit cards, and take surveys.

  6. I made one that said, “1 sleeping baby + 3 dogs -1 doorbell= 1 happy family “. But now “go the eff away” seems much more effective. Hope labor day comes soon and it’s a quick, easy delivery!

  7. I liked your original sign 😉 could you at least put one up saying not to knock loudly or ring the doorbell because babies are sleeping? There is probably also a way to disable the doorbell. Does the baby have any kind of white noise in her room? A big fan has helped Max a lot. Good luck with the Jesus pushers!

  8. I have a friend who’s a jazz musician in NYC, and one night he got in from a gig at 5 am, at 8 am there was a knock on his door of the same variety. He told them to come on in, he’d brew a pot of coffee, they could tell him about Jesus and he would tell them about Satan. Needless to say, they left pretty quickly.

  9. We recently had an election here and party members kept calling our house to see if they “could count on our vote” They woke Jonah TWICE on two consecutively sucky days. On the second day I answered with a screaming baby in the background and said “You can count on a swift kick to the can,” and hung up. Probably one of my proudest mommy moments.

    • This is the reason that we don’t have a landline. I cannot stand that! And you can only threaten to beat them that way too! You can’t chase them down the street screaming at them for waking the baby! I don’t know which is worse!

  10. Damn. That’s a great idea! We have people knock on our door on a weekly basis, all hours of the day. And we have 2 dogs that bark like hell. If this baby is sleeping and people are knocking on the door to sell me windows, I’ll cut a bitch. 😉 Good thinking. I’m off to make one right now.

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