Tag Archives: Morning Sickness

Your Cake is My Cake

When I found out I was pregnant, I felt a little like I had to let go of my whole life. Like I would have to change anything. Like my friends wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me because no one wants to hang out with “the pregnant girl”. Because God knows, I never wanted to hang out with the pregnant girl! I would have to refrain from smoking and we couldn’t go to the dive bar down the street and listen to really bad live music or karaoke. And she would probably want to go home and go to bed at 7:30. All of these things suddenly became true of me. And I couldn’t bare to drag my free, without-parasite friends down. I did, however, find solace in the glorious dream of food. Before you are pregnant, you hear other preggos say things like, “I wouldn’t normally eat this, but the baby wants it.” or “I could never eat this much food if I weren’t pregnant.” I delighted in the idea of chili dogs and french fries and massive quantities of lasagna for dinner. And mid morning snacks of ice cream and potato chips. But there are things they don’t tell you, internet. Oh yes, there are things.

In the first trimester, I wanted to eat my weight in double cheeseburgers, as you know. The main draw of these McDoubles was that the grease factor was such that they coated my stomach and actually prevented my getting heartburn and/or vomiting my face off for several hours. Well played, McDonalds. But once that severe nausea was gone, McDoubles started to taste like the craptastic pseudofood that they actually are. This made my heart sink. For the emotional attachment I had developed for them and they comfort that they gave me could not easily be replaced.

There were also no chili dogs. Does this mean I didn’t dream of chili dogs all day long? NO. It means that chili dogs or anything containing tomato sauce (including lasagna) caused so much discomfort that I would have sooner gouged my eyes out with spoons than eaten them. I sat daily, eying my now fiance, MB, wishing that I could dip him in chili and cheese and eat him up without experiencing karmic and regular heartburn. (There is a moral here, never fantacize about eating the one you love.) But the hunger that I experienced without constant McDoubles only caused MORE heartburn and MORE nausea.

During the second trimester, I told myself that, because this would be the “honeymoon phase” of pregnancy, I would eat salads and things that were not cooked in a vat of oil. This is easier said than done. Because I don’t want a salad. I want cake. I want cake right now. And I don’t care what kind of cake it is. Or who this cake belongs to. I will eat this cake lightening fast and with little to no remorse. Your cake is my cake.20120213-115958.jpg

I don’t even eat sweets, internet. I am a potato chip girl. I love the delicious, salty crunch of Ruffles. I want to dip them in buffalo cheese dip that I reserve to make for special occasions and put them between the bread of ALL sandwiches alike. But now? I can’t eat potato chips. They are too salty and they are not cake.

A misconception about the glory of eating during pregnancy was that you will have a crazy, huge appetite and can eat constantly. I was looking forward to this. Not because I have been a restricter or anything in the fast, but mostly because I really just effing love food. My Norwegian grandparents taught us to eat like we would never eat again, but along with that Norwegian tendency, I also inherited the ability to gain weight by THINKING about food. So, I was excited to be pregnant and to have an excuse. They don’t tell you, though Internet, that you will salivate over food all day long, but when you begin to eat it, ravenously hungry and close to inhaling the person who is kind and brave enough to dine with you, you will not be nearly as hungry as you think. In fact, you will take exactly three bites of that beautiful me

 

al and then realize that the baby inside you has shifted to sit on the exact place that simultaneously makes you have to pee and vomit. You are full. After dreaming of this giant plate of pasta deliciousness all day. (And you don’t even like pasta.) You will have to-go boxes from every establishment you have passed by over the course of the last three months because, let’s face it, internet. You are full now, but this will not stop you from stopping at 13 more restaurants on the way home and trying again.

 

Pregnancy vs. A Tape Worm

So, when we were kids, my sister had this unending appetite. Like, she would eat all the food that was put in front of her and then slyly crawl into some unsuspecting victim’s lap and start to munch on their dinner, either while they weren’t paying attention or because she was so ridiculously adorable that they didn’t mind giving away all of their french fries. It could have gone either way. Everyone always joked that she MUST have a tape worm because no two-year-old could eat like that. Right? Well, internet, I am starting to truly identify with this insatiable desire for all things edible and I have been doing my research. As it turns out, pregnancy symptoms are a lot like having a tapeworm.

1. Nausea. Okay. This one is just too easy. Of course there is nausea.

2. Weakness. Ummm…yes. Sometimes, my poor legs can’t bear to carry my gigantic ass to the kitchen to stuff my face full of Cheez-its.  That has never happened before.

3. Diarrhea. This one I honestly haven’t had any trouble with personally, but I have heard that many preggos do.

4. Hunger or Loss of Appetite. Is that a sandwich you’re eating, internet? I am going to need to confiscate that. Thank you. Also, can you please fetch me a couple of blocks of sharp cheddar cheese, some french fries, and a strawberry banana smoothie? Wait. What was I talking about?

5. Fatigue. Zzzzzz…

Let’s face it, internet, a tape worm is a parasite that drains you of all your necessary nutrients, makes you weak, tired and constantly hungry and a fetus is a parasite that drains you of all your necessary nutrients, makes you weak, tired and constantly hungry.

(Also, this just in: Someone just found my blog by searching for “fetus is a parasite”. In my head, while reading this, I put it to the tune of “Your Body is a Wonderland”. While I hate this song, I really do enjoy the new lyrics.”)

A Comparison of Symptoms…

In my first trimester, I kept reading about how the second one is soooo much better and that I would have energy and an appetite and would feel like a million bucks in comparison to the first few months of pregnancy. I believed this hype, thinking that there is no way that the second trimester could rival the first in terms of general discomfort. I was sort of wrong, you guys. With the second trimester came a bunch more fun symptoms, and I am not sure which ones are worse.

First Trimester:

1.Okay, so there was the “morning sickness”. All of us preggos know that the term “morning sickness” is a term used to describe the extreme nausea and vomiting that come along with the first trimester changes to your body. I believe that whomever decided it was a good idea to term it “morning sickness” was an asshole (and probably a man) who wanted to trick women into thinking that this discomfort would only last for a short period of the day. Like, from the hours of 8am to 11:59am.  This is a total lie. “Morning sickness” occurs all day long. And sometimes continuously for the entire day. And sometimes, if you are really, really lucky, it lasts beyond the first trimester.

2. Effing heartburn. Holy Jeebus. I used to get heartburn once or twice a year. When it happened, it was unbearably painful and, of course, because I got it so infrequently, I was always unprepared for it and it made me want to kill myself and/or eat an entire bottle of antacids. During my first trimester, the heartburn became daily. Several times, each day. And it was excrutiating and made me not only want to kill myself, but also those around me.

3. FATNESS accompanied by insatiable hunger for really disgusting food that you would never in your life ingest in these quantities. You get fat. Period.

4. Mood swings. Okay, okay. I know. I am insane. Leave it alone.

There are a whole host of other ridiculous and horrible things that happen to your body during this time but I think we all know what we are talking about here. These were the worst for me.

SECOND TRIMESTER:

1. Morning Sickness. You are told this will end, so you begin to feel hopeful and  less suicidal. You still carry saltines in your purse. You will pretend not to need them and will sometimes have to open your car door at traffic lights and vomit outside. But you will not be discouraged. This is the second trimester! This is supposed to be UTOPIA.

2. Heartburn. WILL IT EVER END?! You have been swallowing fire for months and are starting to believe that you could be an ACTUAL fire eater! After all, you should be paid for this sort of agony.

3. FATNESS.  You will get bigger and bigger until you feel you might explode. You will see other pregnant women who seem to enjoy their “baby bumps” but in studying your own, have noticed that, not only is it not as cute on you, but that appears to have doubled in size over the last two hours.

4. THE PAIN! This is a new one. You will never, EVER be comfortable again. You cannot sleep on your back because it restricts bloodflow to the baby, you cannot sleep on your stomach because it will feel like a) you are sleeping on a grapefruit and b) you are smashing your child, you cannot sleep on your right side because your right hip cannot support the weight of your GIGANTIC belly and you cannot sleep on your left side because…well…YOU CANNOT SLEEP ON YOUR LEFT SIDE! Your back will burn from the pain of carrying another PERSON around with you all day, every day for many months. Your head will pound from the lack of sleep you have had over the last several days (weeks?) and you cannot take drugs. Did you hear me?! YOU CANNOT TAKE DRUGS!

5. Mood swings. Check! (But don’t you dare bring it up. I will cry.)

Keep in mind, I was in a fairly severe car accident six years ago wherein I tore some disks in my back, so back pain is not new.

BUT YOU CANNOT TAKE DRUGS!

Please tell me it gets better! AHHHH!

On a sidenote: EAT THESE COOKIES! Holy crap!

On A BREAK.

First, I would like to say a HUGE Thank you to all of you ladies (rays of internet sunshine) who have commented with all your encouraging and supportive words. All those words mean more than you can possibly know!  THANK YOU!

I actually feel pretty good. I have been a little ill (the vomiting has returned, just in time to make life just a little bit more fun!) but other than that, I am calm and feeling optimistic. I have honestly surprised my self with the lack of spaztastic tantrums and my ability to stay all cheery and to look on the bright side. (I finally learned about this “bright side” I have heard so much about!)  And the bright side is this:

While I may have come into this pregnancy reluctantly and even begrudgingly, it has happened. It is a real thing and it will happen whether I am ready for it or not. (This may not sound like a bright side, but hold on, I swear I’m getting there…) Everyone knew that I hated my job and the majority of the people that I worked with and the stress it caused me was painfully obvious to everyone around me. Bright side?  I no longer have to deal with the anxiety of working in a toxic environment and try to maintain my sanity for the health of my unborn child. Who, by the way, I am recognizing more and more every day as a real blessing.

So, there it is. Things have happened and are out of my control. And I feel good. Confident. And…strangely happy. (Go team ME!)

I have even gotten several phone calls already to schedule interviews for new jobs. The thing is, I am not even sure I want to attempt to find another job right now. In fact, the more I think about it, I am not sure I want to work at all. Like…ever.  And not because I want to be lazy and eat bonbons. Because it dawned on me that I couldn’t bear another job like the last few that I have had. And how good a parent can I be if I am constantly stressed out and unhealthy?  So, that’s where I am at the current moment. I am ON A BREAK! (And for you “Friends” fans, I need you to go ahead and read that in the voice of Ross.  If you didn’t, you did it wrong. Try again.)

Now if I could remember what sleep feels like…

Because it is Too Early to Be Snarky…

I will let someone else do it.

 

Please enjoy this post from a MALE perspective! (Hooray! Also, I hope he doesn’t mind that I linked to him. I just think that this was too awesome not to share!

What? Me? Hostile?

More and more, I am starting to see why pregnant women should not be allowed out into the world (at least during their first trimester). As I have said, no one at work is yet aware that I have “a bun in the oven” (read: a really pissed off alien inhabiting my abdomen) so they are not aware of the dangers they face if they continue to cross me. If you are not a pregnant woman, heed this warning:

 

DO NOT FUCK WITH A PREGNANT LADY.

 

Seriously. She will follow you to your home and set fire to your bed. This is not a joke.

 

Between the intense hunger, (seriously ladies, before your pregnancy, were you ever so hungry that you would steal food from small children or the elderly? Because I am not above it at this point. Hunger HURTS.) the mood-swings (I think I covered those here ) and the extreme vomiting (spontaneous extreme vomiting, of course. New X-Games sport? Thoughts?), how can a girl be expected to deal with stupid people all day? People whose heads are not pounding? People who aren’t gaining 17 lbs per week?  (This is, luckily, not actually happening, but it feels like it is. I exaggerate. Sue me.)

 

I, for one, cannot be expected to be nice to people at work. I can barely be expected to be nice at home, where the love of my life and my de-lovely cat reside. The other day, I was watching The Real World (guilty pleasure, I can’t help it) and I actually envisioned myself stabbing one of the cast-members in the neck. With a screwdriver. Yes, it was that specific. And I ask myself, “is it really worth it to watch a television show that causes violent fantasies surrounding narrow-minded, barely-pubescent imbiciles?”

 

I have decided that my answer is unequivocally yes.

 

Because fantacizing about killing narrow-minded, barely pubescent imbiciles, keeps me from murdering coworkers and loved ones.

Lessons

I thought that after a little time since finding out about this whole pregnancy thing, I would be a little more used to it. You know, able to accept that in a few short months, I would be popping out a screaming, shitting little monster and then nurturing and raising it for the next 18 years, but it really hasn’t sunken in yet. But I have definitely recognized its presence in my life. Behold:

 

Things I have experienced and/or learned since becoming pregnant:

 

1. Spontaneous vomiting is a real thing. You don’t know when or where it might occur but it does. And there you are trying desperately not to puke on your boss. (And not necessarily because you haven’t ever wanted to puke on your boss, but because actually doing these things could be considered rude and/or give away the fact that you are growing a kid.)

 

2. No amount of cheeseburgers is ever sufficient. Ever.

 

3. I sometimes hate my beloved because:

                a) His penis is the reason I am in this mess in the first place.

                b) I have suddenly realized that men fart a lot. And they smell. Which can bring about spontaneous vomiting as mentioned above.

                c) He eats sour cream or A1 sauce on everything. That is just nasty.

                d) He doesn’t understand that, even though I have not touched the ice cream in the freezer, I may someday want to eat it and that it is OFF LIMITS to him unless, he too, is growing something alien in his uterus.

 

4. To save time, I have learned to vomit IN the shower, to avoid being late to work. My genius amazes even me.

 

5. The size of my boobs will soon exceed the size of my head.

 

If nothing else, I am finding that this whole thing has become quite a learning experience. Although, like Algebra, I am not sure this knowledge will be useful for anything in the future.