Category Archives: Parenthood

Growing Together

Today, for the first time, I woke up at 5:30 am and NOT because the baby was hungry and starting to cry her little face off. Nope, I woke up, out of the blue and I could NOT go back to sleep. And, of course, I wrote a blog post in my head. And it was a really good one. And then I got up and fixed breakfast, ate, had some coffee, got the baby fed…and then the blog post was gone. GONE. (This is not unusual. I do my best, most articulate writing when I am half asleep and unable to reach my computer. Usually right before I fall asleep or when I wake up at an ungodly hour of the morning and am desperately fighting being awake. Go figure.)

But I was thinking about how much my feelings about being a mom have changed. And how they have changed me. And I was remembering the time when I was pregnant and how I thought I might never feel a real bond with my kid and how sad that would be,

While I was pregnant, the whole thing seemed surreal. Like I would never get to that point where pregnant women get all full of joy or whatever. And I guess I eventually got there. Somewhat. I mean, I HATED being pregnant. I hated every little thing about how I felt. But I do remember every once in awhile, feeling Baby L kick and being totally excited, if only for that moment. But then terrified again.

The terror didn’t really go away for a little while after she was born either. I mean, you hear all these women talk about how they instantly felt this bond with this little meatloaf that they just pushed out of their bodies, and you expect to feel that right away. But the reality is, some women need a minute. Or a couple. I was one of those women. And I think there are more of us than will admit it, because I know I felt a bit of shame in this department.

I instantly loved Baby L. Duh. I mean, I carried her around for so long that she was PART of me. But I didn’t feel this instant bond. And I felt awful about it. I felt like I was a bad mother right away. I felt scared to leave her and instantly protective, which I suppose is that motherly instinct thing that I was hearing so much about. But I didn’t feel…IN LOVE at first. I felt bizarre. Like on those old TV shows where they teach kids about having kids by giving them an EGG to care for, for like a week (pretty sure this happened on “Saved by the Bell“.). And they can’t break it or lose it or whatever. (I never understood how an EGG compares to a BABY. I could DEFINITELY take care of an EGG for a week, people. I have twelve of them, perfectly safe, in the fridge right NOW.) But even though I loved this little egg, I wasn’t sure where the hell I was supposed to go from there.

But I was reading, shortly after leaving the hospital, a book called “Secrets from the Baby Whisperer” and the author made the point that your baby is a person. And it might take a little while to get to know him/her. Just like anyone else. Because, lets face it people, you don’t instantly LOVE people when you meet them. (I mean, maybe you HAVE, but how rare is that?!) Then I didn’t feel so bad about having to really work at this whole bonding thing. I had to get to KNOW Baby L. And she had to get to know me.

And that’s okay.

And now, nearly five months have passed, And Baby L is my whole life. She is beautiful and smart and hilarious. And she sings to her toys. And her little smiles melt my heart. And we’re totally BFFs.

* The title of this post was going to be “Bondage” but I was really worried about the kind madness that might attract. I don’t have much to say about that. This is a mommy blog, you guys.

 

Serenity (Felicity) Now

Now that my internet is working and I have a brand new computer which actually, you know, DOES STUFF, I feel like I am SUPERWOMAN, you guys. I can read blogs and catch up on the news and do really inane things like play games on Facebook. Which hasn’t happened in, like, forever. Also, and I am sort of ashamed of this, but I am watching reruns of “Felicity” on Netflix. Because reruns of “Felicity” make me calm. Because I don’t really care what happens because I’ve seen them all. And while sometimes I feel like Felicity should have been punched more, she generally is just so boring it makes all the diapers and teething seem a little bit less like work. And I used to have a huge crush on Scott Foley. Not Speedman. Because he was the obvious one to have a crush on.

Why are we talking about “Felicity”? Because, internet, I need to be calm. I need five minutes to think about nothing and revel in how boring she is.  Because in real life, I have to get my HERRRR DID for the wedding. And meet with a pastor about Baby L’s baptism. And get a pedicure. And find some shoes for the wedding. And find something borrowed. And decide whether we are having a dinner after the baptism or a small dinner reception. Or both. And where these things will take place. And OH. MY. GOD. I just need someone to do all of this for me. Because even though I finally have the internet back. And my car is fixed and sitting in the driveway. I feel like there is so much to do. And all “Felicity” has to do is obsess about boys and deal with that bitch Elana.

Like a Boss

Who's the Boss?

Who’s the Boss? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being a stay-at-home mom is really never anything I wanted to be. Mainly because the idea of having kids sort of scared/repulsed/annoyed the bejesus out of me in and of itself. And then, you know, there’s the whole cleaning up after everyone, feeding someone all the time, changing diapers…you know…that stuff… But you know, being a SAHM is sort of like having a job . And I love it. Like, more than any job I’ve ever had (it is up there with the Activities Director position I had at that nursing home where I got to play BINGO with Alzheimer’s patients for most of the day, but really, that wasn’t much different than having kids. And it was a BLAST.) But sometimes, internet, I just wish I had a JOB. It isn’t like I don’t currently have a boss. I have one. It’s just that she’s two feet tall. And she drools. You know, more than most bosses.

There are really a lot of things I miss about working. And some days, having no contact with anyone who can have a conversation can be a little overwhelming. And frustrating. But I mean, when you think about it, work has it’s share of ridiculousness that I don’t miss too.

At work, my boss could feed herself. I have to admit, this actually does shock me, considering what a fucking idiot she was. But she didn’t need me for that. Luckily.

At work, I didn’t have to change my boss’s diaper. I can’t really comment on whether or not she wore diapers. But if she did, I am sure they were all designer and stuff. Because she was fancy. (Read: really effing pretentious and horrible.)

At work, my boss didn’t cry when something didn’t go her way and didn’t need me to console her. However, she did not know how to use a fax machine.  And she did tend to call me from across the building to fax things for her on a regular basis. And the fax machine was literally FIVE STEPS from her office. So…there’s that.

At work, my sleep didn’t get interrupted because someone had gas. There are a few reasons for this. The obvious one is that I didn’t ever get to sleep at work. Because, obviously, they wouldn’t let me do that. And the other was because at work, other people’s gas was not my problem. Now, other peoples’s gas is most certainly my problem. And it causes crying.

Sometimes I think that in a few months, maybe I will get a part time job to just…get out of the house for a bit and talk to adults. But then I reconsider. Because adults are…well…not always all they are cracked up to be. And who wouldn’t want the opportunity to stay home with their spawn? Even if it IS a harder job than anything else I’ve done…

 

 

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A Few Things

So…my Internet is out again, which makes me want to cut someone. I don’t have the patience to speak with the fucktards at AT&T anymore but I really need to get on party planning for our reception after the Vegas vacation/wedding. Oh, the stress!

Since I’ve been gone:
1. Baby L started teething. Like, legit. Teething sucks so much ass. There is screaming and fussing and not sleeping. Copious amounts of drool. And she likes to gnaw on my shoulder. A lot.

2. I found a dress for the wedding. It contains the mammoth boobs quite nicely. I’m so relieved. It’s not a wedding dress but I really like it and I will feel super comfy and ready to party!

3. I can’t stand my fiance’s brother. The end.

4. “Rent” has been on almost every day. And while I much prefer the play and I own the DVD, I can’t stop watching it.

5. This happened:

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Open Letter to Baby L at Four Months

Dear Lilah,

Today you are four months old. Can you believe it? (Well, considering that you currently have no idea, I’m sure, that FOUR WHOLE MONTHS is a big deal…you probably don’t really care…) I certainly can’t.

Your third month of life was SUPER stressful for me because you had a cold and then it went away. And then you got a worse cold after your cousin started school. I spent about 95% of my time panicking and listening to your breathing to make sure that you weren’t going to suffocate. Then I spent the other 5% of my time panicking that I might be panicking too much and wondering if I should be medicated or if this was normal for a new, first-time mom. Either way, it was pretty rough. There was a lot of snot involved. And only about half of it was yours, because I got super sick too. No fun. But nothing the two of us couldn’t handle. We’re like the dream team, you and I.

You have become super giggly, despite all the gunk in your face. You like to look at your reflection in mirrors and you are generally happy to sit in a bean bag and have brightly colored toys held in front of you so that you can grab at them and try and put them into your mouth. You do the same with my hair. But you also like to stick your entire hand into MY mouth, so I suppose we are even.Your dad and I were watching a little show called “Hell’s Kitchen” and having a discussion the other day about how people get to be so lucky as to eat in the HK restaurant and he looked at you, sitting there in the bean bag, recovering from tummy time, and asked you, “Do you have to have tickets!?” in a super high-pitched voice. And you cracked up with him for a half hour while he repeated the question over and over again. I think you both had a wonderful time with that. I should take a video of the way that he talks to you so you can see, when you’re older, what a dork your father is. But, remember, he’s OUR dork. And we love him dearly.

Tomorrow, you will have your four month vaccinations. And of course, I am a nervous wreck because I always end up crying more than you do while also sort of wanting to punch the nurse in the face for hurting you. Luckily, your Aunt Amanda will be coming with me to your appointment so that a) I might cry less if I am not holding you while they jab you with needles and b) I don’t punch anyone for hurting you. It should all be fine.

Your hair is finally starting to get a bit longer and it feels glorious on my chin when we’re cuddling. I’m so glad that you’ll still cuddle with me (not as much as when you were brand new but still enough that I get my baby fix every day) and you are actually getting better than ever at it. Now it is less because you have no choice and can’t hold your head up, but because you want your mommy. And that makes something inside me feel all warm and fuzzy and like I just might exlode.

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You make a ton of faces now. When you are displeased, you make a pouty face that, however heartbreaking, is also freaking hilarious. One day recently, you were dressed up and ready to go and visit Grandma J and you started to cry. The pouty lips were in full effect. But there I was, trying to comfort you, but you were so darn cute, I found myself laughing hysterically. (Sorry for that. I would say it won’t happen again, but I cannot promise this.)

As always, everyone loves you and wants to make you smile. But, for now at least, you save most of the smiles and giggles just for me. And you make your mommy all melty inside. You are truly one of a kind, my Lilah. One of a kind indeed.

All of my love,

Mom

Update: on this day in history, your father put you into the bathtub. In your socks.

Things to Miss…

Being a mom is pretty awesome. And it is rewarding in ways that I can’t even explain to people who don’t have kids. Because there is nothing like it. Every day there is something that amazes me about Baby L. Like how she found her feet and has yet to get bored of them. And how she giggles when her dad asks her in a silly voice where to get tickets. (Because we were watching the finale of Hell’s Kitchen and he was talking about how he wanted to go to the restaurant, and he asked her if he needed to have tickets. And for some reason, THIS is hilarious to her…) And if I could go back in time and make a different decision about having a baby, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. But there are some things that I miss…and if I could go back, I would take full advantage of.

1. Sleeping. OH. MY. GOD. I want to sleep until noon, you guys. I want it more than I have ever wanted it before. And it isn’t even like I don’t have a chance to sleep these days. Baby L sleeps all night (usually) and wakes up in a great mood and is all smiles. But it doesn’t seem to matter to my body. Because after being up with her all day, I sort of feel like I could sleep for a week straight. What’s UP with that? And if there are preggos out there (and you know who you are) and you want a word of advice?  SLEEP AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. Because you may never sleep or feel rested AGAIN.

2. Leaving the house without guilt. It doesn’t matter how often we go out or how long we’re gone. Or who is watching Baby L. I feel guilty. I want to be with her all day, every day. But then…I desperately want to DO things. Like, with other adults. And booze.

3. My old body. I always sort of thought I was a fatty. And I don’t dispute that I have always been a little overweight. But I had normal people boobs and a flat(ish) stomach. And no stretch marks. If I could go back in time and slide on that bikini, I totally would. And I would live in it for a month. But…now I am sporting a mommy suit, y’all. A mommy suit.

4. Quality time with MB. This is probably going to be another post entirely someday soon. Everyone told me that our relationship would change. And holy crap, has it changed. I wouldn’t say that this is bad. But finding time to spend alone together has proven to be quite the difficult task. But, we’re working on it.

5. Not being so freaking anal retentive. I’ve always been sort of…particular? That might be a good way to describe it without painting me into “that crazy lady”…But I am totally getting there. I am terrified of germs. Restaurants. Little kids. Mosquitoes. Bacteria. Infections. Vaccinations. Tomatoes. (This is not new, they gross me out…) Shopping carts. Seat belts. I could go on, but I think you are getting the point. I would be totally content if I could live inside a bubble with the little one. You know, because things in the world are dirty, you guys.

6. Not being covered in someone else’s bodily fluids for 23 hours of every day. This is pretty self explanatory. I mean…unless you like that sort of thing.

Oh, preggos. I really hope you know what you’re getting yourselves into!

Trying to Maintain

I used to be a little annoyed when my friends started to drop off of the face of the planet because they had babies. In fact, the minute they announced pregnancy, I couldn’t help but feel a little let down. Like, “Another One Bites the Dust” was playing in the background of that conversation, every time I had it with someone. Because, you know, when someone has a baby, they are never quite the same. And, as you get older, one by one, your Happy Hour partners get picked off and start spending time researching carseats and holistic remedies and then there is no one to drink martinis with. And this lady doesn’t like to drink martinis alone.

When I got pregnant, I knew that things would change. And during the pregnancy I became a hermit. Partially because I felt so hideous that the thought of leaving the house made me cringe and partially because I had become “that pregnant friend” who can’t do any of the fun stuff. No Happy Hours. No martinis. No fun at all.

Once I had Baby L, I thought that, at least for the most part, I would go back to being the same person I was before I got pregnant. And I did. Mostly. Only now, I am less concerned with Happy Hour and more concerned with carseats and holistic cold remedies. And there is nothing wrong with that. But I do have an understanding now that I didn’t before. My friends have fallen off the face of the planet because raising kids requires, not only your undivided attention, but also a whole lot of persistence. And patience. And sacrifice. And I’m totally cool with that. At least…I am now.

And I see now, how difficult it can be to maintain friendships when the only time you get to make phone calls is in the middle of the night because that’s when the baby is sleeping. And you aren’t doing laundry. Or sucking snot out of someone’s nose. And I see some of my friends becoming a little resentful. Or distant. And, it isn’t that I don’t care. Its just that I have a lot more important things to think about now. I can’t attend every gathering. Or meet everyone for lunch with a sick, cranky baby. Or drink wine in the middle of the day. And I won’t apologize for that. And I say to those friends, “I ain’t mad atcha” for being a little distant. Because when you had your kids, I probably stayed away. You know, to avoid snot. And crying. And all that shit that mommies deal with. Because, you know, I wasn’t a mommy. And I didn’t want to deal with it.

What does surprise me, however, is that the friends of mine who HAVE kids are the ones who are seemingly the most impatient with me. Like, they are the ones who seem irritated when I can’t attend things because I can’t get a sitter. And that’s confusing. Because, excuse me friends with kids, but remember when sometimes you don’t have someone to watch your kid(s)? Or they are puking? Or your house is covered in slime because everyone has a cold? Remember? Yeah. That’s where I’m at. (Obviously, this isn’t directed at every one of my friends with kids, because some of you rock my face off, regardless of puking or colds or what have you…)

Friendships are hard. And now I understand that I might have been one of the people who made them harder for some of you guys with little ones…because I just really didn’t get it. But I got you now. Loud and clear, universe. LOUD. AND. CLEAR.

And…Now for More SNOT!

So, I don’t really get sick a lot. Sometimes, I go so long in between illnesses that I forget what it feels like to be sick and then when people around me have colds, I find myself cussing them in my head and calling them pansies. (Men, especially. But they tend to be exceptionally whiney when it comes to colds.)

Then, my baby got a cold. And then I convinced that she had everything from swine flu to whooping cough.  And then she got better. And eventually, even though she was still a little stuffy, she was back to her normal, cheerful self. She went back to sleeping all night and cooing at me all morning while we played with her toys.

And then I got a cold.

It started with a sore throat, which escalated to the point that it felt as though I had attempted to eat a few sheets of sandpaper and a headache that felt sort of like the top of my head was going to just pop right off. And a little clown was going to pop out. (I just pictured my head as a Jack-in-the-Box, in case you didn’t catch that…) And I was okay with having a cold, because 1. I had wine and 2. I am not a pansy.

Eventually, though, I realized that wine does not cure a cold. And, though I still was not a pansy, I realized that, “hey. I feel kind of shitty. That’s no good.” and then I went to sleep. And MB’s mom watched Baby L for a few hours in the morning so I could bury myself in my down comforter and pretend that I was living back in those days when I still had time to bury myself in my comforter for several hours and sleep. When I woke up, I felt better. But still not quite human. There was no more sandpaper. And the little clown had kept himself contained.  I finished out yesterday feeling tired, but generally, you know, not like  a pansy.  And then about 1 o’clock this morning, Baby L woke up and sounded like she had taken all the snot from everyone else in the whole house and jammed it into her tiny face. And so I changed her, fed her, slathered her with baby chest rub and turned on that humidifier thing (that everyone tells me to use, but that seems to make absolutely no difference in the amount of snot that my baby keeps in her face). All seemed to be well (except for the fact that now, I couldn’t sleep because I could only breathe out of my left nostril and only if I was laying on the left side of my body, which I can’t do because that’s just not how I roll.  Oh yeah, and because I was obsessing over the possibility that Baby L would suffocate on all the snot.

Because Baby L sleeps through the night, I rarely panic anymore about something tragic happening while I rest, (this is not to say that I don’t sometimes check 47 times at night to make sure she’s breathing…but now it is only sometimes and not, you know, every night…) but let me tell you…after I got done with that bulb thing, I couldn’t imagine there being anything left in there…but there was, internet, there really, really was…So…I broke down at  4:30 when she woke up, practically snorting, and gave her Benadryl (before you get all crazy-pants on me, internet, this is what the doctor TOLD me to do…) and it helped. And she did super good until around 10:30 when she had her second bottle. And then the snorty screaming started. There were saline drops, there was nose-suckage, there were tears. (Many of which were mine.) And about an hour ago, there was another dose of Benadryl.

And now, either my baby is just high, or she is feeling better. Maybe a little bit of both. But how much snot does one person have to endure!?

An Open Letter to Baby L (3 Months)

Dear Lilah,

This letter is a little late. You are a little over three months old now. You are just getting over your first cold, which has caused me so much anxiety, this letter was the furthest thing from my mind. Besides that, I really didn’t have time to write it because I was constantly calling the nurse or on-call doctor to make sure that you didn’t have whooping cough, you know, or leprosy. (Your mother, as you may well know, is sort of a crazy person…but it is all out of love. And, you know, maybe a tiny bit of chemical imbalance…)

You’ve been rather fussy during this last week or so, due I’m sure, to the amount of snot you are storing in your face. But it is still a really cute face. So, I hardly mind sucking snot out of it with that bulbous thing that sort of scares me. (I sometimes feel like your brain might somehow turn to complete mush and I will accidently suck it right out and into that weird bulb…and that would be bad on the whole “good/bad scale”.) You had been sleeping through the night for several weeks (because your mother is a genius and bought the most amazing baby sleeping contraption known to man…) but since you have been sick, you basically just want to play or cry. Sleeping happens at night, but it is not really something that you do willingly. It is something that, either, you can’t help but do because you have fought naptime all day and you, despite your resistance, just can’t stay awake any longer, or something that you are helped to do by a little thing called “Childrens’ Benadryl”. I will say that I was very reluctant to give this to you, but I was advised by two (count ‘em, TWO) pediatricians that this would not hurt you if given a small dose and it would also help you (and me) to get some sleep. It works and it is glorious. I have given you three doses , total, but sometimes I feel that I should also dose myself. Because after I give it to you, I lie awake and obsess over the fact that I’ve just given you medicine. And then I listen to you breathe. You know, just to make sure.

In other news, you are doing some pretty adorable things:

  1. You are almost rolling over. This confuses me, because you actually rolled over a few times when you were about 4 weeks old. But then you stopped doing it. Almost like you didn’t want to make me think that you were a genius right off the bat, so you had to slow your role so I didn’t expect too much. Whatever. You are starting again. And it is pretty rad.
  2. Yesterday, you held your bottle and ate by yourself for FIVE MINUTES. I don’t know when you are supposed to be able to do that, so I ran around the house looking for someone to witness it. Your grandmother and I are convinced that you are a child prodigy in the making.
  3. You like to take naps in mommy and daddy’s bed. You sleep on your side and you are probably the most beautiful thing that was ever invented.
  4. You giggled at your reflection in the mirror twice the other day. I cried because you are so cute/smart/awesome.
  5. You like to try and eat this Jacksonville Jaguars blanket/stuffed animal thing that you got from a lady at the hospital on the day you were born. It is very soft. You really like soft things on your face.
  6. You like it when I kiss the bottoms of your feet. And, just so you know, I hate feet. But yours are completely edible. And I probably WOULD have eaten them if it weren’t really wrong to do that…and probably illegal.
  7. You are the only kid I have ever seen who gets excited when laid on the changing table. You smile like crazy when it is time for a new diaper. But you don’t cry when you are wet.
  8. You always smile at me when I pick you up from your sleeper in the morning. It is the kind of smile that makes my heart melt all the way through. You are so genuinely excited to see me. Maybe ALMOST as excited as I am to see YOU. (Although, this is doubtful.)
  9. You are liking baths more and more. You have learned to splash. You should be called “Crazy Legs”. I think that your dad and I walk away more soaked than you.
  10. When you are sleeping and your pacifier falls out of your mouth, you sometimes still make the sucking motion with your mouth for several seconds. And it makes me giggle.

This afternoon, you fought your nap for such a long time and then after your bottle, you fell right to sleep in my lap, just like you did when you were brand new. And, of course, I cried a little. Because, that’s what mommies do.

As always, I am totally in love with you. More than I thought I could be with any other person. Except your dad. Because, if I’m being completely honest, you guys are what I live for. (Just a little reminder.)

Until next time…

 

All of my love,

Mom

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Tidbits on Life and Parenting

1. Since Baby L has discovered her limbs, there is no possible way to have a bath that doesn’t end in one or both parents soaked in baby bath water. Kicking water is, evidently, one of the most enjoyable things that ever happens. EVER.

2. All of my clothes smell like spit up. This is nauseating and requires hours and hours of laundry per week. Because, you know, the INSTANT you put on something clean, you are going to get puked on.

3. Babies love bizarre looking stuffed toys that crinkle, honk, or jingle. And if they can put any part of them into their tiny mouths, they will. And there will be slobber on EVERYTHING.

4.Cloth diapering, while it was a great idea, did not happen. Mostly because I cannot imagine having to do more laundry. And she pees like a river.

5. My boobs are still massive. I thought this would go away. Why isn’t this going away?

6. I feel like a mom. And not just in the dutiful, robotic way. Like, I want to scold children in stores and comfort crying babies (ones that aren’t mine). And pinch cheeks. I can’t resist cheeks.

7. I can’t tell if my baby is teething now or if she just has an affinity for spit on her face. And her clothes. And her hands. And her family.

8. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get. I want more. I want to sleep for days and days. I vaguely remember these things that I used to do sometimes. I believe they were called “naps”.

9. I have yet to lose all of my baby weight. I really thought, because I have always felt the need to be thinner, that this would bother me more than it does. I sometimes glance in the mirror at myself and scowl, but then I look at my kid…and then I remember that “holy shit, I don’t care”.

10. Life is pretty good right now. I’m a pretty lucky gal.