I Have Returned…

I’m not even going to discuss the fact that it took AT&T almost TWO WEEKS to make my internet work at the new place. Nope. Not gonna talk about that. Because, as tired and frustrated as I currently am, I would likely go batshit crazy if I had to think about it anymore. The only thing that matters is, the internet is on now. And I can finally update my BLOG!!! And, if you’ll forgive me, I’m not really even sure where to start…so…a LIST!

1. Two weeks ago, MB, Baby L and I moved across town into a house with the family. This has been mostly a positive experience. I love his family, we have a huge master bedroom and the much needed privacy that I was worried about not having, and I have help with Baby L pretty much whenever I need it. These are all positive things. But then there is the issue of living with another child. One who never, EVER sits down or stops jumping. This is definitely taking some getting used to. But I have learned to lock doors behind me to prevent any sort of unwanted child interaction and that seems to have worked. Most of the time.

2. Our giant master bedroom is completely insanely messy because, after we got all of our clothes hung up in the closet and boxes stacked on top, all of the closet shelves fell down. This has since been fixed. And then has fallen again, leaving a crazy pile of who knows what all over the floor and nowhere to put it until more shelving is installed. Needless to say, there are, because of lack of a closet, still boxes stacked in the room. And they are driving me INSANE. Because, internet, if I have to live in someone else’s house, I just need there to be a whole lot of order.

3. Baby L will be THREE WHOLE MONTHS OLD on Sunday and I can’t freaking believe it. She’s cooing and smiling and clutching things and being ridiculously cute and perfect and I still have days where I can’t believe I actually had a BABY. But, I have to say, it is so amazing to get to see all the new things she does and new facial expressions she makes. And I can’t help but love dressing her up in adorable little outfits. Dolls never appealed to me as a kid, but man, I love dressing this kid!


4. Is it weird that at almost three months, I can feel little tooth nubs in her mouth? Isn’t it quite early for that, y’all?

5. Wedding plans are in the works! And that’s all I am really going to say now, because I want to get it all planned out, but I will tell you this; will probably take place two months from today and will involve some bright lights and an Elvis or two. (Let the diet begin!!!)

That’s really all the time I have for now, internet, but I will be catching up on all of your blogs TODAY! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a diaper to attend to. Not mine. Just clarifying.


One Year Ago Me…

Okay, so after my last post, Ande asked what the ME from one year ago would say if she read it. And that’s a super good question. Because I don’t even think that today me would be friends with one year ago me. And not because that me wasn’t a good me, just that THAT me? Well, she didn’t want kids, she had toxic people in her life, and she was too stubborn to admit that she had everything in the world already that she could ever want. It sounds super cheesy. And THIS me, she knows that. But THIS me also knows that One Year Ago Me spent a little too much time worrying about everyone else and not really considering that everyone else didn’t matter as much as…well…ME.

A year ago, I had a job that I loved, but that made me feel like I was wasting my potential and running in circles. I was constantly overworked, underpaid and grossly underappreciated and I put up with it because…well, One Year Ago Me was sort of a moron. But that job, however ridiculously insane it made me, helped people, and at the end of the day, made me feel good. The people I worked for/with, on the other hand, were pretty much the worst. (And, as you know, they later proved that.) One Year Ago Me took my job home with me and considered that job to be one of the most important things in her life. FAIL.

A year ago, I was friends with a bunch of selfish people. I spent years and years being there for them through deaths and births and things that I, too, experienced, but received little to no support from those people during. I placed these people over family. Because I didn’t have a great childhood and I didn’t feel like many of my family members really gave a shit. And I felt like my friends would be my family if ever I needed them to be. Turns out, they were horrible, selfish people who would disappear when things in my life got tough. FAIL.

The one place One Year Ago Me didn’t fail was with MB. It took a while to get somewhere in my head when we first started dating that I didn’t feel like something was going to get screwed up. And I had to deal with that for a long time. One Year Ago Me was celebrating her one year anniversary with MB and finally accepting that something was going right. And One Year Ago Me was a pretty happy gal in that respect.

The moral of the story? One Year Ago Me was concerned with being the most knowledgable at work, the best friend she could be, and coming to terms with being a live-in girlfriend. But she was, in no way, wanting to start a family. Because that girl didn’t really think that family was all that big a deal.

Today Me knows differently. Today Me has the best relationship with her mother that she has ever had. She is unemployed but she feels like things will work out and that, the asshole move that her former employer pulled, might have been kind of a blessing. Has the best relationship she has ever had. And now, has this beautiful daughter. Who lights up every, single moment of every single day.

So, to answer your question, Ande? It doesn’t really matter what One Year Ago Me would say. Because she had a dumb job, selfish friends and was too scared to do something that really meant something. She was kind of a fucktard.

In your FACE, One Year Ago Me. Your friends are assholes and you’re gonna get fired.

On Motherhood

 So, since the birth of Baby L, I have literally written 37 blog posts about motherhood. You know, like, in my head. Where none of you can read them. Shockingly, between diaper changing and bottle washing, and being puked on, I haven’t really had a lot of time to actually type things. But lemme tell you, I’m a hell of a mind blogger. If only there was some way to hook up WordPress to my actual brain, you guys would have reading material FOREVER…

Anyway, so yeah. What’s up, internet? I’m a mom now. And it is INSANE.

I have to say, internet, that it honestly is one of the most rewarding things EVER to have a baby and to be someone’s parent but it is also terrifying. I have never felt so truly inept* at anything as I did the first few weeks of Baby


sleep (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

L’s life. And I don’t say this to scare all of you preggos or to discourage those of you who aren’t yet on this path, I just mean to say that it is WORK. Granted, I would trade this work for any other work I have ever done in my life. Because even though I haven’t slept in my bed on a regular basis in five weeks, it was worth it the first time that little girl smiled at me. (Which may or may not have been because she was trying to poop, but you take what you can get at this age, because she is basically a meatloaf. A really, really adorable meatloaf.)

I knew that the sleep deprivation was going to be hard. And I honestly thought that, given the fact that I hadn’t slept well for several months anyway, (you know, because a ginormous belly does nothing for sleeping comfortably) I could rock the hell out of not sleeping. Because, I was in my twenties once.  (Hard to believe, but it is totally true.) I never expected, however, that my child would not sleep in or on ANY contraption that I purchased for sleeping. Because MY kid was going to sleep through the night right after birth. And she would do it anywhere that I put her, but she would MOST DEFINITELY love her bassinet.


Baby L likes to sleep one of two places: on my chest or in her swing. Period.

This makes sleeping in my bedroom impossible because I can’t sleep with her in the bed (believe in co-sleeping or not, when you are desperate, you are desperate) because MB is a giant and sleeps like he is even BIGGER than he is and is terrified that he will kill her and I can’t move the swing into the bedroom because it is huge and cumbersome and I need it to be accessible if and when I try to do things in other parts of the house. So, internet, I have moved into the living room. (Which, by the way, has recently become infested with spiders of all varieties, and I am totally phobic.This was remedied last week, but HOLY CRAP.) I sleep the first half of the night with Baby L in the swing, swaddled and comfy and after her feeding, she is changed, un-swaddled and sleeps on my chest.  I have to say, even though it means that I barely sleep at all, I rather like the cuddling. Because she is teeny and warm and adorable. And I grew her. So, there’s that…

During the first week, Baby L did not sleep at night at all. Evidently, she was confused about what to do when it gets dark outside and mommy is crying hysterically because she hasn’t slept in four days. Luckily, MB’s mom spent a few days with us after it became obvious that I might never sleep again and, since she works nights and was on vacation, she was able to hang out with the nugget while the parents actually slept. Together. In the same room. It has gotten gradually better and now she is sleeping, sometimes, up to five hours at a time after her bath and last bottle. Which makes mommy very, VERY happy. And if I weren’t so exhausted, I might even do a cartwheel or two about it.

MB has, however, been a huge help when he is home on the weekends and has even let me have the day shift while he sleeps on the couch at night so that I don’t get all delirious and start streaking through our neighborhood or something equally ridiculous. And the crazy thing about sleeping in my bedroom? I feel guilty about not sleeping in the same room with my kid. GUILTY! Can you believe that? (If you are a new mom, you probably can and don’t think I am insane. Evidently, this is a thing.)

Either way, things are getting better, and sleep is becoming something that I do sometimes. Which I enjoy.  And I have a bunch of amazing friends who have either come by to help me get some random things done around the house or have at least been there to answer their phones when I call them and freak out about the fact that the baby has just spit up into my cleavage and it was more spit up than I remember ever having happened before and OH MY GOD is that OKAY? Is my baby sick? Should I call the doctor on call? (Which, mind you, I have done on THREE, count ’em THREE occasions since we brought her home.Yep. I am a spazz. And I’m okay with that, internet. I don’t know how to work a baby! Give me a break!)

I should really get back to my kid now. But I wanted to say THANK YOU to all of you ladies (and gent!) who have commented here, tweeted, emailed or come by to help, say congrats, or whatever. You guys rock my face off! (Special thanks to Kathryn for the cute goodies that I use daily because I MUCH prefer the adorable burp cloths to the gross white ones! I’m a burp cloth stuff elitist now, see what you’ve done?)

Okay, now which one of you is NEXT?!

*Except Math. I am super inept at Math.

Also, you guys should go here and buy some cute baby stuff! Expansion is coming soon, I hear!

Still No Baby. (Insert a bunch of expletives here.)

Well, internet, my due date is two days away and here I sit…STILL pregnant. I haven’t been having any more significant signs that labor is near, besides feeling generally craptastic and large. But I DID see the doctor and have my “membrane stripped” on Monday. And yes, that is exactly as much fun as it sounds like it would be. The doctor said that I am 60% effaced and about 2 centimeters dilated, which was a little uplifting, because, lets face it, progress is progress. Right?

I have been searching the internet intently, trying to find all of the natural methods of inducing labor and have tried just about everything I can to get this baby OUT OF ME (and I am sure I was quite a site over the weekend in my mom’s pool, furiously kicking my legs while swimming and muttering, “GET OUT OF ME.”) . (I did not, however, try the “mustard seed/nipple method” suggested by Southern Fried’s mom. Mainly because I would have to a) go to the store to buy mustard seed and b) locate some sort of tape that isn’t duct tape.) Later today, I plan to eat jalapenos and pineapple while doing jumping jacks. And then I plan to seduce MB. Because there is nothing more irresistable than this giant belly, let me tell you. (He actually doesn’t seem to find me any less attractive with the baby dome, however, I find myself to be a heinous, gigantic beast.) I will not be trying the castor oil method because I am not a fan of being deathly ill. (Crazy, right?)

The doctor did tell me that, after my next appointment, next Tuesday, if I still don’t have a baby instead of a baby bump, we will talk about induction. And I really don’t want to have to get to that point. I just want this to happen. Like…you know…on its own terms…and…well…NOW-ISH.

So, that’s basically all I got. Still pregnant. Still suffering heartburn, backache, insomnia and general crankiness. And yes, friends, I know you want an excuse to blow off work, but I cannot MAKE Baby L join us, she is stubborn “like her mom” as you all keep saying. Grrrr…

I haven’t even HAD my baby girl yet and this already stresses me out!

milk & honey ~ geeks & gangstas

If you haven’t figured it out already, your role as a parent includes keeping your daughter off the pole, which requires setting standards of how she should expect to be treated by others, as well as explaining her anatomy to her.  As much of a free spirit as I am about sexuality and femininity, I found the latter to be one of the more difficult lessons for me to relay to my 4-year-old.  It all started when she was 3, and stopped wearing diapers. I was so proud of myself.  Potty-training– DONE. The next thing I know, we’re watching cartoons and I see her chubby little toddler fingers exploring her nether regions. I mean, you can’t blame her– she’d never had access to that part of her body back in diaper-land.  Undies offer a freedom that I had to teach her to respect.

“What are you doing, pumpkin?” “I’m touching my privacy,” she says matter-of-factly in her…

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A Delicious THANK YOU

Okay, so many of you who stop by here from time to time may have seen my post from a little while back about my insecurity about “the bump”. I wanted to take a moment to tell all of you who commented and were so awesome and reassuring and wonderful that I really appreciate all your words.

It really has been a hard journey for me, as I think it is for a LOT more women than can admit it. I absolutely know that this is all a very beautiful thing and that what is happening to my body is natural and beautiful and purposeful and knowing all that stuff definitely prevents me from hurling myself off of a building, but it is still a struggle when I am just glancing at myself in the mirror or a store window. But all of you readers and commenters who could identify? ROCKED MY FACE OFF.

Thank you!!!

I have really been trying, since writing that post to really FOCUS on all of those positve and miraculous things that my body is working on doing right now and less on how I physically LOOK while my body is doing them. Because even though my body image is improving with every passing day, my body is racing to look MORE DIFFERENT* every day. (Seriously, I am pretty sure my hips are three inches wider than yesterday…) But I am getting there, and I now know, more than ever, that I am not the only neurotic, crazy pregnant lady to ever feel this way. So…seriously…sincerely…Thank you all. If I could, I would buy you each a beautiful bouquet of flowers, all of your individual favorite variety/color and have them sitting at your doorstep, waiting for you the next time you have a kind of neurotic/sad/frustrating/irritating/panic-inducing moment. Or maybe just because you really like flowers. And for those of you who are pregnant, I would also send ornate baskets of bacon. Because…I mean…come ON…who doesn’t like bacon?

Thank you, fellow bloggers…you are my sunshine.

Okay, after further research, I have decided that you pregoos would get BACON ROSES. (Why hasn’t anyone sent me BACON ROSES, you guys?! And why didn’t I know this was a thing?!)

As Promised!

For your reading pleasure, I hearby present to you: 10 noteworthy blogs to which I am awarding the Tell Me About Yourself Award!!!


And the winners are: (Drumroll…)

1. Mommy Odyssey. A soon to be mommy, telling it like it is!

2. Chick, Filleted. This site makes me angry at humanity but feel like being as much of an ass-kicking woman as I can be!

3. And Squatch Makes Three. A daddy blog!!! Striving, as I am, not to be that parent!

4. DKingNeece.  Newly and unexpectedly pregnant! Sound familiar?

5. Kathryn Finding Balance.  A really brave and totally amazing blog about a very complicated relationship. Highly recommended reading!

6. Drive-Thru Bride. Seriously. She was a drive-thru bride!

7. I’ll Sleep When They’re Grown.  This is actually one of the first mommy-type blogs I started reading and was pleasantly surprised!

8. Dear #$&!% Baby.  This is a really funny blog about the joys of pregnancy. Love it!

9. Mad Sticky Notes. Not a Mommy Blog! Because sometimes, I need a distraction from my ever-expanding waistline!

10. Blended So Splendid. A blog by a person I actually know. Like, in real life! She writes about family, crafting and life in general. And with snark!

Bloggy Love

I promise that a real post is coming very soon (probably tomorrow) because I have so much to tell you, internet! In the meantime, I would like to give a shoutout to Ashley over here, who awarded me the Tell Me About Yourself Award the other day!!!

  Thank you, Ashley!

The Rules are:

1. To thank the person who gave you the award. (Duh!)

2. List 7 little-known facts about yourself. (I have just recently done this, so I probably won’t do it again so soon, but you can go here and here, for a refresher…)

3. Give props to 15 bloggers you dig! (I probably will cheat here too because 15 is a LOT but I definitely have a few to mention.)

Again, I will not be doing this tonight, but, in the meantime, go see Ashley!

Woohoo! (Continued…)

I know you all have been waiting with bated breath for me to post the seven little tidbits about myself and never fear, I have emerged from the pee-a-thon that has been this entire weekend thus far, and will do so now! Hooray! I had a little trouble finding things to say about myself, as I am not really sure what is noteworthy, so if this sucks, well…it is five minutes of your life you will never get back. Sorry.

1. I never wanted kids. I think you probably know, if you have been reading this blog for any length of time, that I never wanted kids. It could be a little obvious by the title and tagline of this blog. It is no joke, dear readers. I am not a huge fan of kids. I have, however, happened to find one of the best, most beautiful, kind, amazing men on the planet and he, as I am sure you can imagine, has always wanted to procreate. And I have to say, despite the fact that it has never been an ambition of mine, I am quite flattered that he thinks highly enough of me to want to make little miniatures together. As much of a blow as this pregnancy has been to me, I am comforted every day at the idea of creating someone who will be half him. I can’t think of anyone better to make a person with. So day by day, I am coming around to the idea of raising a child. And not without the help of someone who means everything to me. (I am having a really sappy day. Pardon.)

2. I have another blog. And I am cheating on it. I have had my other blog since (I think) 2004 and, really, I had a lot of fun with it for the first few years and then realizing that (gasp!) I was growing up and no longer spent most of my time playing beer pong and watching people fall down (or stealing giant, stuffed tigers and running down busy streets in the middle of the night), it became sort of just a place to go to re-read all of my past adventures. I tried to continue it, but I think we have gone our seperate ways.

3. I was once in a car accident wherein I was hit by a dead guy. True story. I didn’t know he was dead at the time, and wasn’t, I guess, at the start of the whole thing, but in the end, as it turned out, he had shot himself in the head before hitting me with his (stolen) car. I wrote about it here. And yes, it is insane. And no, I couldn’t make it up if I tried. Turns out he was a murderer who had just gotten out of jail in New York, shot someone else, stolen a vehicle, driven to Florida and hit me on my way back from Starbucks. (This may or may not be a sign that Starbucks is the devil.)

4. I am sort of a real-life Scrooge. I don’t like Christmas. Like, at all. It is also my birthday and the anniversary of my Grandmother’s death. She was my favorite person in the world. Ever. That is all.

5. I hate Phil Collins. My SERIOUSLY quirky friend told me once, about 12 years ago, that I would think of Phil Collins every day for the rest of my life. I thought that there was no way that this could be true. But it is. Phil Collins is everywhere. Sometimes, if I forget to turn the TV off before I fall asleep, I will wake up in the middle of the night to see his giant head staring at me from the screen. Pure. Hatred.

6. I once had to actually “quit” gummy bears. I am really not sure what it is with me and gummy bears. I really just effing love them. I will eat them until I vomit. Which is disgusting. I once bought a giant bag at a grocery store before going to the movies to see “American Psycho” and ate the whole bag and then puked for ten minutes in the movie theater parking lot. (I am a classy broad.) That said, there is no reason for me to explain any further why “quitting” was necessary. I think that I have this under control.

7. I really want to become and extreme couponer. Yes, I am aware that these people might be a little…wel…insane. But I am also aware that if I could learn how to be this kind of insane, I may never have to work again. And this would leave me a lot more free time for hating Phil Collins and eating gummy bears. And, oh yeah, I guess raising this kid.

There you have it, you guys. That’s me! I have a 100 Things list over here, if you want to check it out. It is a little out of date but…you know…things change daily around here!