Author Archives: Crystal

An Open Letter to Baby L (3 Months)

Dear Lilah,

This letter is a little late. You are a little over three months old now. You are just getting over your first cold, which has caused me so much anxiety, this letter was the furthest thing from my mind. Besides that, I really didn’t have time to write it because I was constantly calling the nurse or on-call doctor to make sure that you didn’t have whooping cough, you know, or leprosy. (Your mother, as you may well know, is sort of a crazy person…but it is all out of love. And, you know, maybe a tiny bit of chemical imbalance…)

You’ve been rather fussy during this last week or so, due I’m sure, to the amount of snot you are storing in your face. But it is still a really cute face. So, I hardly mind sucking snot out of it with that bulbous thing that sort of scares me. (I sometimes feel like your brain might somehow turn to complete mush and I will accidently suck it right out and into that weird bulb…and that would be bad on the whole “good/bad scale”.) You had been sleeping through the night for several weeks (because your mother is a genius and bought the most amazing baby sleeping contraption known to man…) but since you have been sick, you basically just want to play or cry. Sleeping happens at night, but it is not really something that you do willingly. It is something that, either, you can’t help but do because you have fought naptime all day and you, despite your resistance, just can’t stay awake any longer, or something that you are helped to do by a little thing called “Childrens’ Benadryl”. I will say that I was very reluctant to give this to you, but I was advised by two (count ‘em, TWO) pediatricians that this would not hurt you if given a small dose and it would also help you (and me) to get some sleep. It works and it is glorious. I have given you three doses , total, but sometimes I feel that I should also dose myself. Because after I give it to you, I lie awake and obsess over the fact that I’ve just given you medicine. And then I listen to you breathe. You know, just to make sure.

In other news, you are doing some pretty adorable things:

  1. You are almost rolling over. This confuses me, because you actually rolled over a few times when you were about 4 weeks old. But then you stopped doing it. Almost like you didn’t want to make me think that you were a genius right off the bat, so you had to slow your role so I didn’t expect too much. Whatever. You are starting again. And it is pretty rad.
  2. Yesterday, you held your bottle and ate by yourself for FIVE MINUTES. I don’t know when you are supposed to be able to do that, so I ran around the house looking for someone to witness it. Your grandmother and I are convinced that you are a child prodigy in the making.
  3. You like to take naps in mommy and daddy’s bed. You sleep on your side and you are probably the most beautiful thing that was ever invented.
  4. You giggled at your reflection in the mirror twice the other day. I cried because you are so cute/smart/awesome.
  5. You like to try and eat this Jacksonville Jaguars blanket/stuffed animal thing that you got from a lady at the hospital on the day you were born. It is very soft. You really like soft things on your face.
  6. You like it when I kiss the bottoms of your feet. And, just so you know, I hate feet. But yours are completely edible. And I probably WOULD have eaten them if it weren’t really wrong to do that…and probably illegal.
  7. You are the only kid I have ever seen who gets excited when laid on the changing table. You smile like crazy when it is time for a new diaper. But you don’t cry when you are wet.
  8. You always smile at me when I pick you up from your sleeper in the morning. It is the kind of smile that makes my heart melt all the way through. You are so genuinely excited to see me. Maybe ALMOST as excited as I am to see YOU. (Although, this is doubtful.)
  9. You are liking baths more and more. You have learned to splash. You should be called “Crazy Legs”. I think that your dad and I walk away more soaked than you.
  10. When you are sleeping and your pacifier falls out of your mouth, you sometimes still make the sucking motion with your mouth for several seconds. And it makes me giggle.

This afternoon, you fought your nap for such a long time and then after your bottle, you fell right to sleep in my lap, just like you did when you were brand new. And, of course, I cried a little. Because, that’s what mommies do.

As always, I am totally in love with you. More than I thought I could be with any other person. Except your dad. Because, if I’m being completely honest, you guys are what I live for. (Just a little reminder.)

Until next time…

 

All of my love,

Mom

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Tidbits on Life and Parenting

1. Since Baby L has discovered her limbs, there is no possible way to have a bath that doesn’t end in one or both parents soaked in baby bath water. Kicking water is, evidently, one of the most enjoyable things that ever happens. EVER.

2. All of my clothes smell like spit up. This is nauseating and requires hours and hours of laundry per week. Because, you know, the INSTANT you put on something clean, you are going to get puked on.

3. Babies love bizarre looking stuffed toys that crinkle, honk, or jingle. And if they can put any part of them into their tiny mouths, they will. And there will be slobber on EVERYTHING.

4.Cloth diapering, while it was a great idea, did not happen. Mostly because I cannot imagine having to do more laundry. And she pees like a river.

5. My boobs are still massive. I thought this would go away. Why isn’t this going away?

6. I feel like a mom. And not just in the dutiful, robotic way. Like, I want to scold children in stores and comfort crying babies (ones that aren’t mine). And pinch cheeks. I can’t resist cheeks.

7. I can’t tell if my baby is teething now or if she just has an affinity for spit on her face. And her clothes. And her hands. And her family.

8. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get. I want more. I want to sleep for days and days. I vaguely remember these things that I used to do sometimes. I believe they were called “naps”.

9. I have yet to lose all of my baby weight. I really thought, because I have always felt the need to be thinner, that this would bother me more than it does. I sometimes glance in the mirror at myself and scowl, but then I look at my kid…and then I remember that “holy shit, I don’t care”.

10. Life is pretty good right now. I’m a pretty lucky gal.

A Family Affair

Family has always been such a strange concept for me. I am familiar with the fundamentals. You know, you have parents, and possibly siblings and aunts and uncles and grandparents. You CAME from somewhere. And you all may live together or not. But you have a common bond. Blood. It seemed to me that blood, in and of itself, was never really that much of a bond. I grew up in a house with my sister and my mom and a step-dad (who, despite having lived with my mom since I was 12, is not actually married to her, making him…well…not really any relation to me at all) and I can tell you that BLOOD never made me get along with my mom. We didn’t sit down to dinner and talk about our days. We didn’t go shopping together. I didn’t ask her advice about boys. My father wasn’t really around and when he was, it was for short periods of time, wherein he would take my sister and me to do fun things that we never did with our mom. It always struck me as such a strange thing when people’s parents were married. And lived in the same house. And TALKED to each other.

When I was pregnant with Baby L, I vowed to myself that she would have a better “family” than I had. Even if she doesn’t have a sibling, she will still have two parents who adore her. And we, as a parenting UNIT, will raise her. Obviously, in my heart of hearts, I know that some things change and anything is possible. And parenting is hard, and MB and I could grow apart. But I promised myself and her, that even if that happens, we will still be a family. All of us. Because that’s what this is all about. That’s what we started when we made her. A family. And I am not one to punk out on such an important job.

Since we moved in with MB’s family, I have had some realizations about family. MB had a very different upbringing than me, and his idea of this whole thing is very different. Because here, people have your back no matter what. Not that I don’t think my family would support me if I needed them to in any endeavor, but it seems that there is a much tighter structure here. Things are unspoken, but they are strong things. They are very real things. They are FAMILY things. And, even though I sometimes want to punch someone in the face for not doing dishes or using my stuff without asking me, I don’t feel terribly out of place. I sort of feel like MY little family is part of something much bigger now. I feel support from all directions. And as annoying as it can be to be around people all the time, there’s a calm comfort in knowing that, with all of these people who are loving my little family, we won’t fail. And for the first time in a long time, I’m not worried. (And if you know me, you know worry is my best thing.) And this is exactly how I want Baby L to feel. Always.

I have to say, though, I am absolutely glad that this “closeness” is temporary. Because I appreciate the support and company and help, but I also prefer to be “close” from the comfort of my own home.

Three Months and Going Strong…

So, Baby L is a little over three months old now (can you BELIVE that?!) and I am, more and more, getting the hang of being a mom. You know, sometimes I still have little freak outs because she starts crying spontaneously and I have no idea why. And sometimes I just want to take a nap so badly that my body aches. But for the most part now, there are things that I am confident of. I know that Baby L will smile when I come to pick her up in the morning from her sleeper. And I know that she will want to cuddle in the afternoon and that it has to be with me, no one else will do. And I know that she isn’t usually fussy unless she wants to be held or is tired. Knowing these things makes me feel pretty confident that I am doing a decent job a being a parent. Recognizing the tone in her cries and being able to translate their meanings makes me feel pretty damn good about things. Because at first, I was fairly certain that she just cried to make me cry. Or just to make me feel completely inept. (Both of which, she succeeded at on a regular basis.) But now, even with the panic of this cold and the mucus and the little sad look she gets on her face when she is uber-stuffy, I feel pretty prepared to be her mom, no matter what that entails. I’m pretty proud of myself for that.

Baby L has been sleeping through the night for quite a while now (almost immediately after she started sleeping in the Fisher Price Newborn Sleeper contraption that I can not speak highly enough of) and she takes semi-regular naps througout the day, but she likes to be part of the action. So, she spends a lot of her time during the day, fighting naps because she won’t be able to see what’s happening on “90210”. (And yes, we watch “90210” together every morning because we are nerds and we can’t get enough…and by “we”, I mean…you know, ME.) She likes it when I kiss the bottoms of her feet. She likes to sit in the beanbag and stare confusedly at the Apple logo on my phone when I try to take her picture. (Which causes her to make really unhappy looking faces and makes getting a smiling baby picture next to impossible.)  She is perplexed by her five-year-old cousin who has a wealth of pent-up energy which he expels by leaping around the house like a maniac for hours on end. She likes Grandma’s rocking chair. And she likes taking naps in  our bed over any other place.

My little nugget is getting all this personality and I am just so…so…I don’t even know what the word is that I’m looking for…elated? Yes. But also, sort of sad when I think that these times of cuddling are getting fewer and further between and my tiny little girl is growing into a…well…person!

I have a million thoughts to post here on the daily and I have been so busy with nose-suckers and diapers that I haven’t had a chance, but I plan to get back into a regular pattern of blogging THIS WEEK. Thanks for hanging in there with me, you guys rock my face off!

 

Summer Sharing Contest

Hey, ladies and gents! I have a favor to ask!

I entered Baby L in a contest over at Madison Grace Baby Accessories on Facebook!!! The picture with the most likes there gets some free adorable baby loot! And Baby L LOVES headbands (there is no way for me to prove this, but MOMMY loves Baby L in headbands…so there!) Could you take a minute and head over https://www.facebook.com/#!/MaddiesBowShop and like the page and then vote for Lilah (by liking her photo)!? I would bake you all cookies or something…but you know…

Will cyber cookies do?

 

Mmmmm…

The Big Chill (Errr…Cold, Rather)

So, I know I promised a post. And I have been writing one in my head. But then, Baby L got a cold. And I immediately looked up all of her symptoms (snot, snot, and then some more snot) on web MD baby and was convinced that she had whooping cough. And ten everyone sat around and watched me have about 37 heart attacks. Because I’m quite entertaining as it turns out. So there were many after-hours nurse calls and there was an appointment with a new doctor. All of which confirmed that I was doing everything possible to relieve my precious little thing…but still there wa the snot. So the new doctor told me to give her 2ml of Benadryl. And I did, even though I thought that Benadryl was a little extreme…so I had 37 more heart attacks. But Baby L slept like a champ and woke up smiling and happy as a cute little clam.

All was going well until I fed her. And ten she started spitting up. And not your usual tiny little dribble, either. It was a river of mucusy, thick disgustingness. And it went on like this all day. And by outfit number four, I started to think, Oh my GOD my baby is going to starve to death!” Because, you know, it wasn’t stressful enough to go to bed every night thinking that she was going to choke in her sleep. Or that the humidifier was going to spontaneously combust and the whole house would catch fire while we slept. No. Now my baby was starving. And we were both covered in mucus. (I know there is probably a movie image that I could insert here for comparison, but I am too drained to think of it. Feel free to insert your own.)

Of course there was another call to the nurse. And of course she told me what I already know and assured me that Baby L was just getting rid of all the nasty stuff from the congestion. But I still wanted to bang my head against the wall until I passed out. (I resorted to Pinot Grigio.) And MB, if he wasn’t sure before, is now painfully aware of the extent of my untreated anxiety. But…after a couple of small bottles of clear pedialyte and a good night sleep, Baby L is alive and steadily trying to figure out how to grab her feet. There has been very little mucus. There has been very little snot. And no one has had to change their clothes. And it is almost 9am!

Success!

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Little Girls!!!

So, I don’t think I have mentioned this before, but for all of you mommies (and daddies) who have little girls, you should go here and check out Madison Grace Baby Accessories! There is so much adorable stuff and Jenn is holding a contest on Facebook right now!!! Go check it out!

Also, don’t forget to like Broken Condoms Blog on Facebook too!!! Duh!

 

A real post is forthcoming. I swear to Cheesus.

I Have Returned…

I’m not even going to discuss the fact that it took AT&T almost TWO WEEKS to make my internet work at the new place. Nope. Not gonna talk about that. Because, as tired and frustrated as I currently am, I would likely go batshit crazy if I had to think about it anymore. The only thing that matters is, the internet is on now. And I can finally update my BLOG!!! And, if you’ll forgive me, I’m not really even sure where to start…so…a LIST!

1. Two weeks ago, MB, Baby L and I moved across town into a house with the family. This has been mostly a positive experience. I love his family, we have a huge master bedroom and the much needed privacy that I was worried about not having, and I have help with Baby L pretty much whenever I need it. These are all positive things. But then there is the issue of living with another child. One who never, EVER sits down or stops jumping. This is definitely taking some getting used to. But I have learned to lock doors behind me to prevent any sort of unwanted child interaction and that seems to have worked. Most of the time.

2. Our giant master bedroom is completely insanely messy because, after we got all of our clothes hung up in the closet and boxes stacked on top, all of the closet shelves fell down. This has since been fixed. And then has fallen again, leaving a crazy pile of who knows what all over the floor and nowhere to put it until more shelving is installed. Needless to say, there are, because of lack of a closet, still boxes stacked in the room. And they are driving me INSANE. Because, internet, if I have to live in someone else’s house, I just need there to be a whole lot of order.

3. Baby L will be THREE WHOLE MONTHS OLD on Sunday and I can’t freaking believe it. She’s cooing and smiling and clutching things and being ridiculously cute and perfect and I still have days where I can’t believe I actually had a BABY. But, I have to say, it is so amazing to get to see all the new things she does and new facial expressions she makes. And I can’t help but love dressing her up in adorable little outfits. Dolls never appealed to me as a kid, but man, I love dressing this kid!

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4. Is it weird that at almost three months, I can feel little tooth nubs in her mouth? Isn’t it quite early for that, y’all?

5. Wedding plans are in the works! And that’s all I am really going to say now, because I want to get it all planned out, but I will tell you this; will probably take place two months from today and will involve some bright lights and an Elvis or two. (Let the diet begin!!!)

That’s really all the time I have for now, internet, but I will be catching up on all of your blogs TODAY! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a diaper to attend to. Not mine. Just clarifying.

 

Okay, so….

Motherhood combined with moving makes shit hard, y’all. But I have not forgotten about your blogs…or my own blog, but I currently am waiting for the idiots at the Internet nazis’ offices to get their asses in gear and make my life normal again. Updates coming ASAP! In the meantime, here is a picture.

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A List of Pros and Cons (Alternatively Titled: Things That Make Me Want to Stick My Head and the Oven and Reasons I haven’t Yet.)

So, as you might know, internet, I’ve been experiencing a lot of change (HELLO!? BABY!) lately and there is still a whole bunch more to come. So, I’ve been struggling. But I’ve been trying to stay on the happy side of life and not play in traffic or pull a Sylvia Plath so, I thought I would document here what has been happening on the homefront.

1. I’m moving in with my fiancee’s family.

Con: I haven’t lived with anyone’s family in ten years. And I am a pretty private person and people tend to annoy the bejesus out of me. (Granted, I lived with a terribly self-obsessed, shallow, idiot for almost that long. But that was different. Because I think I was glamoured to think she wasn’t an asshole.)

Pro: I really like MB’s family. And they love Baby L. And they will most likely be willing to give us a break once in a while so MB and I can actually hang out and, you know, DO THINGS TOGETHER. (And they aren’t self-obsessed, shallow idiots. On the contrary, in fact.)

2. Baby L is finally sleeping several hours a night.

Con: She is up all day and usually fussier than EVER.

Pro: I get to sleep sometimes, y’all! It’s like a whole new world. (Shockingly, I am still exhausted and could probably fall asleep while doing just about anything else.)

3. My house is getting packed more quickly than I thought, considering that we waited so long to actually START the process.

Con: We live in a constant state of disorder and I can’t walk three steps without almost falling on my face.

Pro: I am getting rid of crap that I should have gotten rid of years ago.  And this makes me happy. I feel like I am nesting more now than I was while I was pregnant. Which, really wasn’t that much because I was huge and pissed off and would have rather just told someone HOW to nest FOR ME than do it myself.

4. I’ve decided to get rid of my cat. (By “get rid of”, I don’t mean drop him off behind the McDonald’s dumpster. I’ve never done that, but I know someone who did. But that cat was an asshole.)

Con: Duh. I love my cat. I have had him for 12 years and I can’t even imaging NOT having him. But if I decided to keep him, he would have to live alone in a garage for 8 months and I would have to buy an air conditioner for said garage, because holy SHIT, Florida is HOT. I will miss him like crazy and have spent the last two days, either on the verge of tears or crying my face off.

Pro: Fewer hairballs? (I really don’t know what the pro is here, because I’m about to cry right now…BLAST.)

I’m feeling super overwhelmed with things. And I’ve drank all the wine in my house already tonight and I really should be taking advantage of the nugget being asleep. But instead, I will sit on the couch for ten minutes with no one to need me for anything. And I will watch “Toddlers and Tiaras” because, though it makes me want to kill people, it also takes my mind off of the facts listed here.

Ugggghhhh.